A Colossus of Mars: John Guy Collick

Gripping science fantasy, Shakespeare in Russian,  working with editors, and the Moomins. What else could it be except one of our mega-interviews? Today we feature the erudite John Guy Collick – author, scholar, cinematographic critic, lecturer and a man who bought us the odd pint in the late seventies. That last one is perhaps the most important fact. John has just completed his four volume epic The Book of the Colossus, and it seemed a damned good time to corner him…

John Guy Collick

greydog: Welcome to greydogtales, John. This is an unusual interview for us, because it’s also a sort of reunion. So we’ll start with John Guy Collick the person, and shift to your own fiction a little later on.

We knew each other on and off in the eighties, as part of the venerable and vocal Leeds Science Fiction movement – some of whose members were a moving force in the creation of the SF magazine Interzone. Do you have fond memories of those days, or was it all a terrible dream?

john: Fantastic memories, especially of Friday nights in the West Riding pub. I used to get there about 7-ish so the only other fan around was D. West who we sadly lost last year – who used to sub me with his somewhat scrawny rollies and the occasional 50p for fish and chips on the way home. It wouldn’t be too much of an exaggeration to say that Leeds SF made me what I am and it’s great to be in touch with the other members again after so many years via Facebook. Of course the two crowning achievements of Leeds SF when I was around were Yorcon 79 and the film Invasion Des Bollardes Enormes, which would have re-written Indie fan film-making if it hadn’t been stolen the night after it was completed, probably by powers who Did Not Want The Truth To Be Known.

john collick (l) & the late d west (r)
the picture they wanted to ban – john collick channels western noir (l) with the late d west. photo courtesy of gifted fellow thespian simon ounsley

greydog: D was a hugely talented artist, and a great loss. And we still remember the shocking Bollardes incident. Now, you’re a scholarly sort compared to us grizzled old dogs, and you lecture. Tell us a bit about the subjects you cover on the podium.

john: In the old days I used to give lectures on literature and philosophy in Japanese to an audience of up to 450 students at Waseda University in Tokyo though whether I made any sense or not is still up for discussion. These days I go to conferences and give talks about education and technology, which I usually cunningly twist round to the themes of cyberpunk, science fiction and futurology. Outside the UK these subjects are taken far more seriously, and that’s very gratifying. Recently I’ve been talking quite a bit about using SF to install a sense of wonder in kids so they get fired up about science and the universe etc… and this is getting a very positive response from teachers and Ministry of Education experts, especially in the ex-Soviet bloc countries. It’s a buzz to spend twenty minutes blathering on about H. G. Wells, Asimov and Tarkovsky to the Russian Minister of Education.

greydog: And you have an academic background in Shakespearian studies. This gives us an excuse to say how much his play Hamlet annoys us. Hours of watching a privileged ditherer wonder what to do and then get it wrong anyway (it did at least give us the line in Tom Stoppard’s Jumpers, where the protagonist looks at his tortoise Pat, and says “Now might I do it, Pat.”) Do you think we’re too harsh?

john: Watch the Russian film of Hamlet directed by Grigori Kozintsev – it’s a true masterpiece with a 100ft high ghost, loads of Eisenstein montage and tons of Kruschev-era Soviet politics chucked in. That’s how the play should be done, not as an introspective study of a procrastinator with his head up his bum but as a vast, brooding Piranesi-esque Gothic tale of politics, double dealing and passion. Olivier mangled the play in his film, turning it into a self-absorbed essay in cod psychology, and we’re still recovering.

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kozintsev’s hamlet

greydog: You’ve sold us on that one. Can we also address the Moomin in the room while we have you here? You’ve also written about that Bohemian and unusual writer Tove Jansson. The Moomin stories, for us, were full of threat, mystery and strange longings, hardly kids’ tales. Do you feel she intended that, or was it a by-product of her own nature?

john: If I remember rightly, the Moomintroll started off in Jansson’s paintings as a symbol of encroaching Nazism (Watercolour with Black Moomintroll, painted in Germany in 1934), round about the time Tove Jansson fell out with her dad, who’d turned into a bit of a fascist. So she’d already created him as a conscious symbol of menace before putting him into the books and comics (she transferred that original negativity to the character of the Groke).

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As a kid I always thought there was something oddly melancholic about the later Moomin books, and towards the end they got downright weird. Instead of going off on adventures the family spent more and more time sitting around moping existentially, and then in the last book Moominvalley in November, they completely disappeared.

Jansson herself battled with the frustration of trying to be an artist while at the same time dealing with this immense fame and attention the books brought her. She wanted to go live on an island with her girlfriend (on whom Too Ticky is based) and just paint, but people followed her in boats so she had to throw rocks at them to make them go away. In Moominpappa at Sea, Moominmama goes and hides in a painting because she’s sick of everyone – and I think Jansson really identified with that – and probably wrote the scene deliberately. When you read her non Moomin writing and about her work in general it’s clear she was a very canny artist, so yes, she knew what she was doing

greydog: It seems that film has always been a great part of your life. In the eighties we remember you making those short films, and you’ve written many critical pieces in this area. Share a bit of your passion with the listeners.

john: On no account whatsoever read the book The Guerrilla Film Makers Handbook by Chris Jones and Genevieve Jolliffe, Continuum Press 3rd Edition, available for £32.99 from Amazon. It is a truly evil tome that should be destroyed – even worse than the Necronomicon. On the surface it looks like a simple collection of interviews with all the people involved in making an indie movie but it worms under your skin until one day you wake up and find yourself in the all-consuming horrendous other universe of film production.

That’s what happened to me in Tokyo. I ended up writing and co-producing a movie (Let’s Do Talk) which was reviewed as ‘The Most Offensive Film I’ve Ever Seen’ in The Japan Times, although what happened off set was infinitely more lurid than what ended up on camera. One of the highlights was when a main actor came up to me and said ‘John, you have inspired me so much with your passion and creativity in making this film that I’m going to leave my wife and kids and become a writer!’

One of these days I’ll blog about the whole sorry tale, probably when the other production members are safely dead. Yes – film has always been a passion since my mum introduced me to Kurosawa, Bergman and Eisenstein in the days when BBC 2 showed classic foreign films instead of mindless rubbish.

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greydog: You also seem to have a love for the pulps, and the era of Edgar Rice Burroughs – Barsoom and its wonders. Another friend, Neil Baker of April Moon Books (see once in an april moon), is seeking to put together an anthology of SF which captures the old joy of just ‘getting out there’. Have we lost some of that sense of open, go-for-it adventure in science fiction and fantasy?

john: I have a soft spot for ERB and the Barsoom series. I cut my teeth on A Princess of Mars as a kid and Warlord of Mars is the only book I ever read that had me on my feet and breathless at the end. Seeing the movie was a dream come true. Once in a while I enjoy reading swords and planets tales, though nothing comes close to 14-year old me, John Carter and Dejah Thoris. I don’t think we’ve lost that wild imagination and gripping sense of adventure in modern SF. Iain Banks certainly hit it for me with Consider Phlebas, and I’m working my way through Adrian Tchaikovsky’s Shadows of the Apt which is huge swashbuckling fun. I do love the old pre-Golden Age pulp tales though – you can’t beat Professor Jameson and the Zoromes, or early Clark Ashton Smith.

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greydog: Huge fans of Neil R Jones’ Professor Jameson here (and CAS). Does anyone stand out for you in modern SFF?

john: At the moment – Adrian Tchaikovsky as I mentioned above, Gareth Powell and Gaie Sebold. I have a big stack of books I need to read through, Neil Asher, Charlie Stross etc. I find that reading another writer’s novels gets in the way of my own work when I’m actually writing, unless their style and approach is similar to what I’m trying to achieve, so I go through phases of reading comics, or classics that are completely different in style and setting to my own books. At the moment I’m working my way through Jodorowsky’s Incal series – I became a fan of his after seeing the documentary about his failed movie of Dune.

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greydog: On to JGC the writer. You began your major work The Book of the Colossus with Thumb in 2013. When you drafted Thumb, did you do so in the knowledge that this would be a lengthy four book arc?

john: In the very beginning, no. It started as a germ of an idea from a dream I had in the early 1990s in which I saw a man in a blue robe in a desert standing in front of a vast body. People had been building this monster to save them but very quickly society had degenerated so that those who built the head fought the ones who’d crafted the hands etc. The story developed in my mind (and the body got bigger) and pretty soon I saw it as a four-book series, mainly because my favourite writer at the time was Gene Wolfe and I wanted to write something as weird and intriguing as the four volume Book of the New Sun.

The Thumb I published is version 3, with about ten false starts and a couple of very bad complete manuscripts before. Now that I’ve created the setting I can see there’s a lot more material I can turn into stories, though probably not with Max and Abby as their arc is pretty much complete. The other day I had the wild idea of another seven books about the Colossus, like Wolfe’s Long sun and Short sun series, but that would be another seven years of my life and I’ve probably come to this too late.

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greydog: Is there a market or genre definition for Colossus with which you feel comfortable? We would settle for science fantasy, but we’re not entirely sure what that means. SF which isn’t tech-heavy? Fantasy with a harder, futuristic feel?

john: I saw it as Science Fantasy similar to Moorcock’s Hawkmoon/Count Brass books (another massive influence) – books set in a universe where the science is so advanced or outré that it’s indistinguishable from magic. I guess The Book of the Colossus is an extreme Dying Earth series as in Gene Wolfe’s Severian novels, or Jack Vance’s Rialto and Cugel books. John Jarrold told me he thinks it’s Space Opera.

I also wanted to write it as an ‘Indiana Jones meets Franz Kafka’ book – a straight forward action tale set in a fundamentally absurd universe. The setting is extreme to the point of semi-surreal, but the characters behave and act as if everything is perfectly normal. A couple of readers have found this disorienting – in Thumb people smoke cigarettes and listen to jazz in a fantasy Prague at the end of time in the shadow of a marionette half a million miles long. But the vast majority of readers have been overwhelmingly positive, so I think I managed to get it to work.

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greydog: There’s another nostalgic blast, finding out that you’ve worked with John Jarrold, the agent/editor who is another old bar-friend from SF convention days. In general terms, what did you get out of working with an editor that made the process worth it – as opposed to doing it all yourself?

john: I couldn’t have got to the point I’ve reached without John’s coaching and editorial input, for which I’m eternally grateful. Even though the books were self-published I wanted them to be the same quality as a good professionally published series. John was (and is) utterly ruthless and tore the first version of Thumb to bits, which was exactly what I wanted and needed. With his help I think I’ve now got the basics under my belt and all I need to do now is constantly practice and experiment. In general terms, everyone should work with a good editor if you want a professional book at the end, and if you’re serious you need to pay for the best. You also need someone to tell you like it is (and be prepared to take criticism on the chin) and not what they think you want to hear.

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greydog: And now the quadrilogy is complete, with the launch of Dark Feathered Hearts. Here’s a typically unfair poser – tease us into wanting to read the conclusion (if we didn’t already).

john: Everything’s bigger. If you’ve read the other three then in this last book the threats, twists and encounters increase exponentially to encompass the whole of humanity’s future. Is it actually possible for humanity to build a God half a million miles tall who will carry it into the next universe, or is it all a deranged, desperate fantasy concocted by a species on the point of extinction? For the first time the price of Max and Abby’s failure really will be the destiny of mankind. If you haven’t read any of the books then think Indiana Jones meets Kafka, and also that several of my readers have told me that the story has given them disturbing dreams – what more could you ask for?

greydog: This is a good time to mention the covers as well, which are very striking. The covers of Thumb and Dark Feathered Hearts in particular are reminiscent of the work of Bruce Pennington and other artists of the eighties. A deliberate choice?

john: Yes – Chris Foss and Bruce Pennington were the two giants of 70s/80s UK SF covers for me. I wanted to recreate the feel of a NEL or Sphere paperback from that era and Pennington’s work is so wonderfully exotic – a fantastic blend of the baroque and the semi surreal with a very distinctive and bold palette. Even his simplest paintings (for example his cover to Van Vogt’s The Silkie) carry this wonderful fin de siècle vibe. The cover to Dark Feathered Hearts is a deliberate tribute to his work – the floating tetrahedrons in the sky are taken from his cover to Brian Aldiss’s Space, Time and Nathaniel. I also wanted each cover to illustrate a key scene from the book, rather than be just a more generic mood-piece SF or Fantasy painting.

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greydog: We must end with our usual question – where next? Sit back on your laurel wreath and watch The Book of the Colossus work its way across the world, or grapple with new fiction?

john: I’ve got decades of ideas stacked up so it’s no rest for me. Like I said I feel I came to this a bit too late so it’s a race to get them all down on paper. I’ve worked out a system using Scrivener and top-down planning which should allow me to write a book a year, though I’d like to go faster. I’m working on the next one now – it’s a completely different setting to The Book of the Colossus – a bit more down to earth but still SF. With a fair wind behind me it should finished by the start of next year.

greydog: Many thanks again, and we wish you good fortune with Dark Feathered Hearts.

john: Thank you!

You can find John at home on his blog here – john guy collick  and his books are on Amazon. Here are quick links for the first and the last volumes of The Book of the Colossus

thumb on amazon uk

thumb on amazon us

dark feathered hearts on amazon uk

dark feathered hearts on amazon us

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Coming up next week: An introduction to the greydogtales family of little donkeys (dogs, to you), a feature about Clark Ashton Smith and a new film, plus lots more…

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A Pleasing Terror, Three Dogs and an Ambush Bug

Welcome, dear listener, to our usual mid-week medley, that great tradition which always provides not enough of the stuff you personally like. Today, more sight-hound action photos, an update on the super M R James card game from Pleasing Terror Games, and DC’s Ambush Bug comic. Plus a hello to Black Gate, a new friend.

Avid enthusiasts of weird, fantastical and supernatural fiction will be delighted that our first topic is sighthounds. Last week we published our illustrated guide to Bitey Face (see lurchers for beginners 9), but we had some terrific photographs left over, so here they are, courtesy of Katrina from the fastgreyz blog. Firstly fun…

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snow day, from katrina

And then real fun – bitey face again…

cali having fun
cali having fun
lizzie and roxie
lizzie and roxie
head-lock
head-lock

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We may have mentioned that we’re going to interview Swedish artist Richard Svensson some time this month. In the process we were in touch with Pleasing Terror Games, as it is indeed Richard’s art which adorns their game card. James Drewett of PTG has supplied an update on where they’re at and their current plans. Rather than rewrite words from the terrifying spectral horse’s mouth, we offer up his communication with greydogtales here:

Pleasing Terror Games produces games based on the ghostly writing of the great M.R. James. Our aims are to bring Jamesian literature fans into a new immersive, interactive experience, as well as enticing gamers who are new to M R James to discover these wonderful stories for themselves.

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monsters and miscreants cards

Monsters & Miscreants is a light introduction game; a simple trump-style game, familiar to most people and easy to learn.

Each card has a depiction of a ghost, monster or villain from one of James’ stories, such as ‘The Linen-Faced Pursuer’ from ‘Oh, Whistle, and I’ll Come to You, My Lad’, and has a set of statistical categories such as Fright Factor, Wall of Weird, Slayer Score etc. On your turn you choose a category on your top card which you hope will beat your opponent’s top card. The artwork features the unique styling of the multi-talented artist and designer, Richard Svensson.

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prototype for monsters- don’t treat them gently!

The game has exceeded all our expectations, selling over 130 copies worldwide since January. UK buyers can purchase a copy via PayPal from the facebook site: monsters and miscreants  or from the website page: https://pleasingterror.wordpress.com/buy-now/ for £9.99 including postage and packing. Non-UK buyers can purchase a copy by sending $18.99 to Richard Svensson’s paypal account loneanimator@gmail.com

I am currently working on three follow-up games which are detailed on the website: pleasing terror games

  • Monsters – Don’t Treat Them Gently! is a solitaire or two player strategy card game featuring 20 Jamesian protagonists and characters, 20 artefacts cards, a Jamesian map and counters, all strikingly illustrated by Richard Svensson. It’s time for the humans to fight back – team up your protagonists to take on the infamous monsters from Monsters & Miscreants in a host of eerie places in the locality of Jamesville. This game is in the latter stages of game-testing and design, and about half-way through the art-work. There is currently a poll running to help us decide which colour style people prefer: http://poll.fm/5ljcu
  • Stories I Have Tried to Tell is a multi-player story telling game featuring tables on every aspect of a Jamesian story. Players take on the role of narrator, scene setter, protagonist and monster and get given random story ingredients which they must work together into an authentic sounding Jamesian tale (maybe to be told at Christmastime by candlelight!).
  • Cards for the Curious – a solitaire or two player strategy card and dice game where you play the role of the protagonist in your favourite M.R. James stories – embarking on a terrifying journey of the imagination to try and survive the nameless dread that hunts you, with either your life or your sanity intact. The prototype has been produced and game-tested, but as there is a huge amount of components, this may have to be a future Kickstarter project (advice gratefully received!).
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prototype for monsters – don’t treat them gently!

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It is true that our infamous Magic Loft contains a lot of rubbish. The process of exploring it is a slow one, especially given the special anti-rat, anti-squirrel protective suits required (and the special foot-gear which stops you falling through the beams into one of the bedrooms).

This week yielded more comics, few of which we actually remember buying. Fortunately, most of DC’s Ambush Bug had survived, and so we have been able to read once again the mini-series Son of Ambush Bug, six comics by Keith Giffen which make very little sense.

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Apart from the fact that Ambush Bug knew he was in a comic, which allowed for many japes, the high-spot was the search for his son, Cheeks. Cheeks, if you didn’t know, was a vacant-looking, inanimate stuffed doll. A heretical thing to mention, but it must be said. And the series within the miniseries, Combat Cheeks – Frontline Medic, was pure joy.

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The perfect way to spend an evening when you’ve been watching doom-and-gloom superhero movies (or you could just read our spiffing film review here, which is pretty Giffen-esque – batman v superman – prawns of justice).

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To end with, a quick mention of the site Black Gate – Adventures in Fantasy Literature. We’ve been hopping back and forth and enjoying ourselves, and they’ve even said some kind words about greydogtales. The site is updated constantly with book news, reviews and fantastical oddities, and well worth a browse around.

https://www.blackgate.com/

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We also note that you can still get pdfs of back copies of the late Black Gate magazine through the site, which is tempting.

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a bug, but probably not an ambush bug - we just liked its little face
a bug, but probably not an ambush bug – we just liked its little face

Farewell, best beloved, and we shall see you in a few days. Don’t forget you can now buy old greydog’s Holmesian thriller A Study in Grey – look right and up to find the link. Or you can pass on that one. We still have dogs to feed, though…

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A Chill Equation – John Coulthart and More

We’re back, with bumper fun in the form of the wonderful Equation Chillers series, including Algernon Blackwood. We’re also going to enjoy the work of a couple of weird artists in the field – the renowned John Coulthart’s Lovecraftian art and the mysterious Boris Dolgov with his pulp illustrations from the forties and fifties.

We’ll start with John Coulthart, because we’ve been in touch with him recently. When we interviewed him at length on greydogtales at the end of last year (see john coulthart – axioms & other dark beasts), he alluded to various forthcoming projects, and two of these are here, or on their way soon.

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The first is the new collection from Barnes and Noble, The Complete Cthulhu Mythos Tales by H P Lovecraft, a massive book of six hundred pages in their Collectible Editions line. As you might expect, it contains twenty three of those Lovecraft stories which relate to what later became a whole myth cycle (for which August Derleth is mostly to be praised or blamed). The book includes six collaborative “revisions”, and has an introduction by Lovecraft scholar S T Joshi.

Moby Dick Full Cover+

Mostly importantly for us (we have read a lot of HPL already, after all), it has wonderful front and back covers, plus endpapers, by John.

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We haven’t yet seen a UK distributor for this, but here’s the link to the US source:

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Also worth a mention is John’s work for a new collection, Out of Tune Book Two, for which he has provided fifteen new illustrations. This is due to be published by JournalStone sometime soon.

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Right, let’s go back a few years. Nearly three decades, in fact. One of our finds of the late eighties was the short-lived Equation Chillers series. Sadly, only eight books were ever produced directly under the imprint. We have battered copies of all of them which we bought at the time, thank goodness.

They were, in a way, the precursor of the Wordsworth Editions, where lost, rare or unusual stories of the supernatural suddenly became available at an affordable price. Equation revived a whole haunted house full of Victorian and Edwardian short stories, and it’s worth noting all eight volumes here, with the occasional comment from us.

1) THE FLINT KNIFE. Further Spook Stories by E.F. Benson
Selected and introduced by Jack Adrian (1988).

2) IN THE DARK. Tales of Terror by E. Nesbit
Selected and introduced by Hugh Lamb (1988).

(No, you’re right – we couldn’t find our copies of the two above to scan them. It’s that damned Magic Loft again…)

3) WARNING WHISPERS. New Weird Tales by A.M. Burrage
Selected and introduced by Jack Adrian (1988)

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4) STORIES IN THE DARK. Tales of Terror by Jerome K. Jerome, Barry Pain, and Robert Barr
Selected and introduced by Hugh Lamb (1989)

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An uneven but fascinating collection from the author of Three Men in a Boat and two of his friends and colleagues. Jerome and Barr founded The Idler magazine together in the late 19th century, though Barr is best remembered for his crime and detective novels. Pain was a writer and editor himself, producing a lot of non-supernatural work. Readers may already be familiar with his story The Undying Thing.

The Haunted Mill by Jerome himself is an especially wonderful example of his dry sense of humour.
5) BONE TO HIS BONE. The Stoneground Ghost Tales of E.G. Swain
Introduced by Michael Cox (1989).

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We daren’t say much about this one, because we’ve often droned on about E G Swain being one of our favourite writers of the supernatural. Gentle, humorous and wonderful little stories with perfect characterisation, to be read again and again.

Uniquely, this volume not only reprinted the 1912 edition of The Stoneground Ghost Tales but included six stories by David Rowlands, excellent later pastiches of Swain’s content and style. Rowlands has also written many tales of his own, including those concerning “the endearing Father O’Connor, who is constantly brushing up against the supernatural and the uncanny in stories that range from the whimsical to the terrifying”.

6) THE MAGIC MIRROR. Lost Supernatural and Mystery Stories by Algernon Blackwood
Selected and introduced by Mike Ashley (1989)

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An interesting and diverse collection, particularly as it includes a number of Blackwood’s tales for the BBC, including the text of the very first official radio ‘talk’, by Blackwood, from July 1934 – The Blackmailers. The BBC director responsible apparently commented “I don’t doubt that we shall have a good many letters from listeners saying that we are corrupting the youth of England with morbid fancies and distasteful subjects”.

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dolgov

Blackwood went on to make over sixty radio broadcasts, and you can listen to one of them here:

7) DRACULA’S BROOD. Neglected Vampire Classics by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, M.R. James, Algernon Blackwood and Others
Selected and introduced by Richard Dalby (1989).

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A most fine collection because Dalby deliberately avoided well-known or commonly anthologised tales. His choice of twenty three stories ranges from 1867 to 1940, and includes Mary E Braddon, Vernon Lee, Alice and Claude Askew, M R James and Frederick Cowles. Worth trying to find because of its range and the rareness of some of the stories.

8) THE BLACK REAPER. Tales of Terror by Bernard Capes
Selected and introduced by Hugh Lamb (1989).

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After this the series folded, rather tragically. They had announced, but never released:

FEAR WALKS THE NIGHT. Tales of Terror by Frederick Cowles
To be selected and introduced by Richard Dalby.

Equation Chillers can still be found second hand. Amazon even has a few on offer through its marketplace dealers.

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dolgov

While musing on Blackwood and looking at related illustrations of his work, we were reminded of the artist Boris Dolgov. A New York artist, virtually nothing is known about him, not even the dates of his birth and (presumed) death.

8560021701_c7739ea5ff_bDolgov produced seven (we think) covers for the magazine Weird Tales, and numerous interior illustrations, a few of which we’ve included in this post, from the mid-forties to the early fifites.

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It is known that Dolgov was a friend of the artist Hannes Bok, and he collaborated with Bok a few times under the name Dolbokov. He also produced at least one book cover, that of A E Van Vogt’s 1952 book Destination: Universe!

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You can see more of Dolgov’s work here:

dolgov on monsterbrains

And to close, a mention that Equation also produced the book Ghost and Scholars: Ghost Stories in the Tradition of M.R. James. This fine collection was not under the Chillers imprint, though. Selected and introduced by Richard Dalby (as mentioned above) and Rosemary Pardoe, this came out in 1989, and included an essay by MRJ, himself, “Ghosts–Treat Them Gently!”

“Following James’s lead, the writers represented here conjure up an ordered, placid world into which the supernatural–usually in malevolent form–slowly but surely intrudes itself.”

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Unfortunately, this is now both hard to find and expensive. Bums.

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dolgov

We’ll be back later in the week, dear listeners, with more weird fiction, weird art and even weirder lurchers…

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Lurcher for Beginners 9: Bitey Face!

Get the bandages out, it’s time for some violence – although this may not be what you think. We’re not talking about horror stories where body parts get eaten or pulled off, or weird stories of people’s heads going wrong today. Instead, we’re back among the lurchers and longdogs, and we have some guests along for a change.

Not only are there some jolly good photos provided by Mandy Locky, Gina Beck, Richard Woolley and Julie Stringer. More about them in a minute, but first, the Great Game…

sykes and sui, from julie
sykes and sui, from julie – apparently the dribble fallout was extensive

Lurchers are weird. Yes, they do share many characteristics with other dogs, but they have peculiarities which seem to be seen more often in the type. We’ve said before that many lurchers don’t like to sit, that their deep chests and joint articulation give them a gait and posture of their own, that they like sleeping upside down with their legs in the air and so on.

And though almost all dogs play, our extensive scientific studies show that bitey face is more common in lurchers and sighthounds than in other dog breeds or crosses. You might be able to prove us wrong, but do you really have the time and resources of the dedicated greydogtales research team to do so? We think not.

cody playing, from katrina
cody playing, from katrina

Bitey face is a game well known to lurcher enthusiasts. Basically, it consist of two or more lurchers posturing and doing play-bows, bums in the air and tails wagging furiously. Before you can say “How sweet,” and pour another cup of tea, they are launching themselves at each other with their jaws wide open.

where lurchers get it from - jurassic bitey face
where lurchers get it from – early bitey face

It is, on the surface, a game which looks like two insane predators trying to eat each other. Teeth clash audibly, heads end up in mouths, ears get put at serious risk and so on. You think it’s over, and then one of the little darlings does that play-bow again, and they’re off for a second or third round.

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the classic play-bow: roxy and lizzie, from katrina

The play-bow is, incidentally, a good sign that your dogs are having fun, not itching for actual violence. Bodies are generally relaxed, they will take pauses, and sometimes swop who’s on top.  There will be fur grabbing and snapping, but not ‘sink your teeth in’ biting.

NOTE: Lurchers are generally good-natured, but can and do fight under certain circumstances, especially if stressed, or defending territory, or if they’ve had an abusive background. Always watch and make sure what’s happening. Bitey face is NOT fighting.

Lurchers may have long, slender muzzles, but they still have serious teeth. Django has teeth which belong in Jurassic Park. Let’s not kid ourselves – bitey face is an alarming sight. The first time our neighbours saw it, they were almost shrieking with concern, convinced that Django and Chilli had decided to murder each other. Two pleasant, licky dogs had turned into a blurred ball of bared canines, wild growls and quite a lot of legs. The dogs were fine, but we did have to sedate the neighbours. Who’d have thought chloroform was so expensive?

odin and scully, from gina and mandy
odin and scully, from gina and mandy – hey, that’s my head!

Is bitey face actually dangerous? The general answer is no. Dogs aren’t stupid (except the odd one who is). A lot of the time it’s only a fun muzzle-rubbing bit of rough and tumble. The dogs take it in their stride.

OK, they can very occasionally catch each other’s lips, noses and ears by accident. Ears, for some reason, bleed like a blood transfusion centre during a January sale, even though the wound itself is quite minor. But we’ve not had a bitey face game so far where anyone got seriously damaged, so we don’t worry about it too much, just monitor things.

lizzie and roxi, from katrina
lizzie and roxi, from katrina

If it’s getting out of control, and we’re sick of the noise and the over-turned chairs, we spray the dogs with a house plant sprayer full of cold water. All this does is surprise them, and they stop the game to see what’s going on. Bitey face is an important part of their play. They don’t unplug your television, so why should you stop them enjoying their own entertainment?

scully and odin, from mandy and gina
scully and odin, from mandy and gina

Bitey face on the run is hard work to keep an eye on. Once they get up to speed and start snapping at each other as they charge (their idea of fun and egging each other on), the lip cuts get more likely – not because they’re being nasty, but their momentum is so great. Even then no harm is usually done. As we tend to run ours with open basket muzzles on, the loudest sound is of them bashing the plastic muzzles together, which they seem to enjoy.

lizzie and roxi, from katrina
lizzie and roxi, from katrina

We have heard of humans trying to play a version of bitey face with their lurchers. We do not recommend this. Firstly, you will lose. Make sure that you haven’t wagered any money (or chicken carcasses) on the outcome. Secondly, there may be parts of your face which you quite like. We suggest that you hang onto them. Time alone will do enough damage there without helping it along.

It may also be relevant to point out that the pain of having a dog’s tooth accidentally rammed up one of your nostrils is, well, not to be sneezed at. We have experienced this. Trust us.

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time to take a break – rudy and maggie, from richard

Finally, we were sent a couple of short bitey face videos by a nice chap called Richard Woolley, who clearly knows the phenomenon well. Richard says “We adopted Maggie in August. A very shy and timid girl and didn’t come out of the kitchen or conservatory for about 6 weeks! That’s when she bolted out of the front door! Missing for 4 days. At Xmas we adopted Rudy, a big lump who loves attention but very calm and a great influence on other dogs including Maggie. She’s much better but still very timid, still keeps her distance but the two of them are joined at the hip.”

Here’s one of the vids – Maggie and Rudy.

We thank all our contributors, and wonder if we actually managed to match all the right dogs and people in the photos. Probably not.

lizzie, from katrina

Do join us again on greydogtales at the weekend. It may be weird fiction or art next time, we’re never quite sure…

 

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Literature, lurchers and life