{"id":5720,"date":"2019-03-07T18:13:33","date_gmt":"2019-03-07T18:13:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/greydogtales.com\/blog\/?p=5720"},"modified":"2019-03-07T18:13:33","modified_gmt":"2019-03-07T18:13:33","slug":"the-cthulhu-mythos-for-beginners","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greydogtales.com\/blog\/the-cthulhu-mythos-for-beginners\/","title":{"rendered":"The Cthulhu Mythos for Beginners"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Cthulhu Mythos is a dark and twisted place in which unpronounceable deities scheme endlessly for dominion over the unsuspecting world of ordinary, everyday speech therapists. Ftaghn<\/em>s and Ia!<\/em>s lurk in the depths of the earth, or brood inside distant stars, waiting to insert themselves into conversations about washing machines. And even when humans manage to get their tongues around the non-Euclidean terminology, who are these deities really?<\/p>\n

\"61bx02jTCnL\"<\/p>\n

H P Lovecraft<\/strong> didn\u2019t know, because he made them up and then altered them as it suited him; Clark Ashton Smith<\/strong> had some spare letters in his Scrabble set, and added his own contributions. August Derleth<\/strong>, having worked in a canning factory, liked everything neatly packaged and labelled, so whilst he added his own beings, he also tried to sort the others into orderly groups which could be represented by elements, nature, and weight of contents when drained.<\/p>\n

Hence his identification of Cthulhu as a water deity, despite Cthulhu\u2019s known dislike of its enforced holiday in the oceanic depths. And Derleth\u2019s creation of Cthulhu\u2019s bad-tempered brother-in-law, Cthugha, when it was pointed out that he\u2019d missed Fire out.<\/p>\n

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Writers continued to pile on long after Lovecraft, Ashton Smith and Derleth \u2013 Brian Lumley<\/strong> alone created eight hundred and seventy three Mythos deities, all of whom were surprisingly describable, and interactive. Ramsey Campbell<\/strong> attempted to stem the flow by developing a more modest number of well-characterised deities, most of these restraining themselves to British waterways and the less popular bus routes, but despite his brave efforts, things were getting out of hand.<\/p>\n

\"cthulhu<\/a>
not quite as real as the previous book<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

So we realised that we should shoulder some of the organisational burden, being uniquely placed to do so. We once read some Lovecraft stuff, we can spell (mostly), and we have a Scratch\u2019n\u2019Sniff copy of \u2018The Li\u2019l Old Ones Go To the Seaside\u2019.<\/em> But what could we add? Is there any real agreement as to how the Mythos gods should be organised, unionised, and provided with an adequate dental plan? Not really.<\/p>\n

IMPORTANT NOTE: Real<\/strong> Cthulhu Mythos deities don’t care if you know what they’re called, or if you can pronounce them. Only their obsessive human enthusiasts bother with that stuff.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The current broad \u2013 if inadequate – hierarchy has emerged over decades:<\/p>\n

A. THE OUTER GODS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Attended by the Lesser Outer Gods, the Really Unimportant Outer Gods, and an extremely bad woodwind section.<\/em><\/p>\n

B. THE ELDER GODS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Less powerful than the Outer Gods, but less nuts, and occasionally willing to help out humanity in return for worship and spare change.<\/em><\/p>\n

C. THE GREAT OLD ONES<\/strong><\/p>\n

Not quite as Great or as Old as the Outer Gods, and in a mood with the Elder Gods. Mostly locked in their bedrooms or on curfew, thus rather resentful when encountered at all.<\/em><\/p>\n

D. THE GREAT ONES<\/strong><\/p>\n

Not terribly great. The deities of Earth\u2019s Dreamland. Looked out for by some of the other gods, like you would keep an eye on a dim but earnest little brother.<\/em><\/p>\n

E. THE DISPOSABLE ONES<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sundry entire populations of Mi-Go, Moon-beasts, Yithians, Deep Ones, Serpent People and others, all appearing, or being wiped out, as required.<\/em><\/p>\n

F. THE YOUNG ONES<\/strong><\/p>\n

A British comedy series from the eighties.<\/em><\/p>\n

Z. HUMANITY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Of limited value and interest to any of the above. Even more disposable than Deep Ones.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\n

That Cthulhu Mythos<\/h1>\n

Undaunted, we spared no effort in our research, apart from the effort of doing much of it. And after months of painstaking work, examining mouldering, yellowed tomes, certain obscene woodcarvings, and inscribed metal sheets hauled from abyssal depths, we can offer you the first entries in our easy-to-use guide to some of the key Cthulhu Mythos deities:<\/p>\n

AZATHOTH<\/strong><\/h2>\n

The speech impediment at the heart of the cosmos, driven insane by living next door to an inconsiderate and talentless flute ensemble. Father of Nyarlathotep, hence latter painting his bedroom black and staying away from home as much as possible.<\/p>\n

CTHUGHA<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Highly irritated being stuck inside the star known as Fomalhaut. Offspring are vampires on fire, and are therefore also highly irritated at their situation.<\/p>\n

CTHULHU<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Asleep.<\/p>\n

GLAAKI<\/strong><\/h2>\n

A more ambitious slug than most of its kind, which \u2013 after an unexpected meteor ride – managed to get itself pimped with some rad spikes and extendable wing mirrors. Prone to make embarrassing revelations on lakeside visits.<\/p>\n

HASTUR<\/strong><\/h2>\n

The Unspeakable, Unknowable, Never to be Named. Bored with being a minor shepherd deity, he stole some tattered robes from a nearby washing-line, went mad and became amorphous. And very yellow. Often seen shopping for masks in Carcosa.<\/p>\n

ITHAQUA<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Father of a Thousand Refrigerators, and Lord of the Snow Day, with a tendency to pick people up and then drop them at the wrong destination. Suffers from perpetual wind and red eyes.<\/p>\n

NODENS<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Primal music-loving pensioner, whose sea-shell chariot is powered by legendary beats, he is served by hordes of nightstands. Often confused with the god of Celtic travelling salesmen.<\/p>\n

NYARLATHOTEP<\/h2>\n

Like a black Hermes who has attitude, but with his face pulled off. The only Outer God who likes riding camels and visiting Luxor, with more air miles than most Mythos deities, and may thus be encountered in places where jazz musicians or Goths hang out.<\/p>\n

SHUB-NIGGURATH<\/h2>\n

Dark Mother of Malevolent Shrubberies and dedicated goat fancier. Prone to having children when disturbed or invoked without sufficient warning, hence her Thousand Young and constant headache. Also major ingredient in Caribbean curries.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

TSATHOGGUA<\/h2>\n

Either a bat who ate a toad or a toad who ate a bat. Spends most of his time trying to get his Formless Spawn to stay in their basins, and stop messing the place up, godammit.<\/p>\n

UBBO-SATHLA<\/h2>\n

Oozing, grey primordial porridge, without salt or syrup, and thus relatively inedible. Doesn\u2019t get out of its grotto much, due to its habit of shedding amoebae at parties. Goes by name of Abhoth when trying to gatecrash.<\/p>\n

YIG<\/h2>\n

The sound a serpent makes when stepped on.<\/p>\n

\n

There. Now you know everything you need to know about the Chtulhu Mythos. Really. For unrepentant readers, John Linwood Grant<\/strong>, the greydog<\/em> himself, writes the occasional bit of post-modern-neo-deconstructed Mythosian fiction.\u00a0 Or something like that.\u00a0 Weird stuff, anyway.<\/p>\n

\"cthulhu<\/a><\/p>\n

You can find such work in various odd corners, including:<\/p>\n