Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Dot Dot Dot

The Discovery
By Sir Arthur Linwood Grant

Abigail Jessop stood by the window, the downward curve of her lips betraying her dismay. Not since her earliest ventures into the world of spiritualism had she felt such confusion.

“You were correct, Henry. I would not have believed it, had I not the evidence before me.”

Dodgson smiled. He looked at Abigail in her new dress of watered silk. The olive-green material seemed to shimmer, outlining her figure against the morning sunlight. It fitted perfectly.

“You see, Abigail.” he said, a certain triumph in his voice. “Just as I told you in the shop. You are a medium!”

End

That was Bad Pyschic Joke No. 43. More may follow.

Anyhow, I feel that it would be only polite at this point to interrupt our usual broadcast and say a proper hello to the large number of new listeners who are tuning in to greydogtales. So, er, hello.

It is a genuine pleasure to see you here, nicely scrubbed and turned out, ready for the struggle. As my old Nana used to say, who are all these people and where has my purse gone? But then she had a Sinclair C5 and a dog which constantly relieved itself behind the TV, so she had an excuse.

Authorcom

The author, accompanied by his loyal followers, defending his blog at York Assizes earlier this week

Some of you may have entered your e-mail addresses thinking that you were signing up to insurance, and that you would soon be receiving a free pen and carriage clock. While that might be my next promotional drive, I must spoil the bliss of ignorance by clarifying what we do here:

greydogtales brings you the best in occult detective, ghost and lurcher articles, with its own special twist of inaccuracy, on a regular basis.

You can expect one of these topics to turn up on greydogtales every four or five days. The frequency of posting depends not on my level of inspiration but on the ale stocked at the local supermarkets. Bargain offers of Old Speckled Hen or Marston’s Pedigree, for example, tend to increase the quantity of posts but decrease the quality.

I am, if you still need to know, an ageing Yorkshireman who, as I put it in a recent facebook post somewhere, can’t afford both tact and lurchers. You may find quite a bit of sarcasm going on. And as you’re new here, I want to point out that I do wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes. If I’m in a bad mood, I wear other people’s hearts as well, watching the rivulets of crimson trickle down between my arthritic fingers… nghh! Must find tablets…

This is the well-known author J Linseed Grant, after all, a man who is on his own in the house far too much.

Actually, I did have quite a lot of help when I started this blog, but my imaginary staff walked out on me soon after I changed the dosage. Writing is a solitary, irritating habit, like exploring one of your nostrils but with less chance of financial gain. I plan to expose the whole sordid business (the scribbling, not the nose-orientated stuff) in Writers for Beginners, coming later this month.

To round off this introduction, I would like to add more about lurchers and longdogs, the joys of canine companionship and so on. But I can’t because Django is whining to go walkies, and he’s already dug out one flowerbed today – seriously.

There. You can’t complain that I haven’t warned you.

The carriage clock is in the post.

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Flaxman Low: Ghost Wrecker

I think it’s fair to say that if you are called Hesketh Vernon Hesketh-Prichard (1876-1922) and nicknamed ‘Hex’ at school, you ought to do something interesting with your life.

The fascinating HVH-P did not let anyone down. He hunted for (probably) extinct giant sloths in South America, helped counter German snipers on the Great War, played a mean game of cricket and explored the world. Through Trackless Labrador is one of his, for example, and he is supposed to have brought back some of the first reports of vodoun from the interior of Haiti. He could have been invented for the Boy’s Own Library.

And he loved his mum. At least, I presume he did, because with his mother Kate O’Brien Ryall Prichard, he wrote a series of occult detective stories. She also accompanied him on some of his travels, but that’s another matter.

The Flaxman Low adventures were attributed to E and H Heron, probably because the printers couldn’t fit both their full names on the covers. Published 1898-99, there were twelve stories in total, stories which brought his character onto the occult detective roll of honour. These tales are interesting, unusual and come with a twist of the new science of psychology (these are the 1890s, remember). But wait…

I had intended to write my usual gentle introductory ramble. Then I re-read the Heron family this summer, and realised that this stuff is, in fact, nuts. Enjoyable, but nuts.

The detective himself is “one of the leading scientists of the day”, whose real name is not disclosed. He is also an accomplished sportsman, and a record-breaking hammer-thrower, strong and lean with a high forehead, long neck and thin moustache. We learn this early on, which gets us all a-quiver and ready for the horrors.

And boy did I have trouble picking which horrors to feature here. So much gold in the river. I have rarely felt so dumbfounded when I put a book down. Here are two of Flaxman Low’s discoveries, to give you the idea:

  • A dead black servant found mouldering in a tiny cupboard in a Scottish manor house, after growing poisonous fungi, derived from deadly African spores, in there. Helpfully we are told: “how or why he made use of them are questions that can never be cleared up now”.
  • A ghost which eventually turns into a vampire which decides to inhabit the remains of an Egyptian mummy. As an extra, the ghost/vampire/mummy may have come originally from an ancient English barrow-mound. It’s like the entire Hammer Horror catalogue in twelve pages.

I do wish I had thought of these.

mummy2Flaxman Low the Man has a number of noble characteristics, apart from his high forehead.

Firstly, he attributes his findings to his advanced knowledge of psychology and study of psychic manifestations. When he can’t really answer someone’s question, he replies:

“Everybody who…. investigates the phenomena of spiritism will, sooner or later, meet in them some perplexing element, which is not to be explained by any of the ordinary theories. For reasons into which I need not now enter, this present case appears to me to be one of these.”

A wonderful paragraph, which in my own humbler stories would have been rendered thus:

Inspector Chiltern: What was that, then?
Henry: Haven’t the faintest, old chap.

Secondly, he decides for quite unknown reasons to put everyone in danger (except himself) by declaring halfway through most stories that he has pretty much solved the case but won’t give them the answer until lots more harm has been done. I felt very Miss Marple sometimes, even at the end:

“But Aunt Jane, you still haven’t explained how the one-armed werewolf which killed Colonel Smythe knew that the spectral squid would be blamed…”

Thirdly, he likes burning/shooting/knocking things down as a quick end to the matter. If he had been written with a touch more Indiana Jones, the stories would be perfect. I feel I have to commend to you the final scene with the barrow-wight/ghost/vampire/mummy, in which it is despatched by putting the bullet-riddled and beaten remains into a boat and giving them a Viking funeral. You couldn’t make this up – except the Heron family did.

To finish this piece I want to ruin one particular tale in more detail, to illustrate the general approach. The Story of the Spaniards, Hammersmith is the first Low appearance. It starts with the traditional motif of Flaxman Low being called in by a chum. The chum has inherited a house, and surprisingly, the house can’t be let for long because the tenants run away or shoot out the skirting boards (I’m serious). Financially embarrassed, the chum asks for help, and…

The story is wonderful, especially as it veers into Lovecraft before Lovecraft in its descriptions:

“The sensation he experienced as it moved was of some ponderous, pulpy body, not crawling or creeping, but spreading… then he became conscious of a pair of glassy eyes, with livid, everted lids, looking into his own… they were watery, like the eyes of a dead fish, and gleamed with a pale, internal lustre.”

This description follows the sighting of a bladder-like object regularly going into one of the rooms, but never to be found when pursued. “The bladder-like object may be the key to the mystery.” Low pronounces before any real investigation has started. There’s a detective for you.

After a simple experiment, Low decides (on thin evidence) that a leprous curmudgeon died in the house, and is haunting it. Flaxman Low has a novel solution – they pull the house down. In doing so they find a malformed skeleton “under the boarding at an angle of the landing”. Low reveals that the leper’s spirit has been intermittently animating its remains, at which point I knelt before Hesketh Vernon Hesketh Pritchard (and his mum) in awe.

You see, the bladder object was a bandaged, leprous foot, strangely visible when the rest of the body was not; marks on a landing deliberately strewn with sand (a common psychologist trick) were caused by walking sticks – lame ghost, apparently; the spirit had somehow become huge and pulpy despite animating a wrecked skeleton, and anyway, the leprous chap who could hardly move had for some reason hidden himself ingeniously under the landing floorboards before he died!

Wow. I so got it.

And there you have him, Flaxman Low, the occult detective with a difference. You have been warned…

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How to Fail in Style

An odd week, then. My gentle discussion of E G Swain’s ghost stories, posted not long ago, received 40 or so hits and a few nice comments. Lurchers for Beginners, on the other hand, is now at 17,000 hits and still rising. Not quite in balance, but I can at last claim my place in history: greydogtales – the only website devoted to both occult detective stories and longdogs with equal enthusiasm. From me, anyway.

It must be obvious to all my listeners by now that the whole concept is deeply flawed. My second claim to fame will be: greydogtales – the only website to disappoint two entirely different groups of people at the same time.

And that’s why I shall be carrying on as if nothing had happened. You have to break a few eggs to make a rolling stone hit the people in glass houses, that’s what I say.

I do genuinely want to thank everyone who visited and made Lurchers for Beginners such an accidental runaway success. And I mean accidental. I didn’t think more than a handful of people would bother with it. Here are some of the recent endorsements:

reviewsa
I have received loads of positive responses over the week, only a few of which I’ve been able to fit in the comments section. I wish I could have quoted everyone with lurchers who said “God, our dogs are exactly like that, and brilliant with it.” Instead, I’ll hit a serious note for once, so that no-one idly skipping through this blog gets the wrong idea.

Lurchers are superb dogs, lifelong friends, marvellous with kids and full of fun. Contrary to some people’s vague understanding, in our direct experience they make terrific family dogs, and their house-training is generally impeccable. All they want is at least a couple of bursts a day, some home play time and some affection. You can and should do even better than that, of course. Start there and keep it coming, it will be rewarded.

But… if you rescue or adopt a lurcher, please find out what you’re doing first. Check the topic on the web, ask other lurcher owners, ask a local rescue centre. There are useful books as well.

Lurchers for Beginners is a reflection on how we have to get it right with these wonderful animals. They are a bit different, they do have quirky ways. If I’d been able to read my own article when my partner got our first lurcher from Battersea many years ago, I might have understood Jade, our loony Bedlington x God-knows-what, a little better. And been ready for any problem areas with my sleeves rolled up.

I exaggerate the oddities of lurchers, because I want people to know that they, the owners, have to be willing to step up to the mark. Nothing’s worse than a lurcher returned, a messed-up home and people who no longer want to adopt or foster. On the positive side, so many, many people have contacted me saying that having had a lurcher and experienced some of the things I mention, what they wanted was more lurchers. Now.

They’re the kind of dog that can do that to you.

That’s the message over. As I do have such a large, excited audience waiting for the next amusing longdog piece, I can unveil that tomorrow’s article will be about Flaxman Low, the occult detective created by a rather peculiar Englishman and his mother in the 1890s. With luck I will manage to disappoint lurcher fans and Flaxman Low fans to an equal degree. No, don’t thank me, that’s what I’m here for…

Oh, and don’t forget, the more of my short stories you download, read and/or review, the more you can influence me shamelessly into writing what you want to hear. Did I tell you that I have a very dubious moral compass?

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Lurchers for Beginners

or Dog Herding the Hard Way

We have recently discovered that some people do not know what a lurcher is. Such people are not well, and must be helped. Therefore the entire greydogtales workforce has abandoned its occult writing duties in order to produce a brief introduction to these noble dogs.

lurchers for beginners
two of our heroes

THE BASICS

The most common question asked about lurchers is: Where has my dinner gone? The second most common question is: What is a lurcher, anyway? You cannot answer either of these, because your dog has mysteriously disappeared over the horizon.

Greydogtales is here to help. Put simply, a lurcher is a cross between:

i) a dog which runs too fast for you and chases everything (a sighthound), and
ii) a dog which runs slightly more slowly but still chases everything (a working dog).

A longdog is a cross between two sighthounds, which means you don’t have a chance. The lurcher combination produces healthy, lively dogs, and healthy, exhausted owners. The name is derived from two words:

Lurch – as in to leave someone in the lurch, ie. far behind and helpless, and
Er – as in where’s that bloody dog gone now?

heelTwo lurchers close at heel

GENERAL NATURE

Lurchers have two phases to their lives, the puppy and the adult. These are mostly indistinguishable, but we can note the key characteristics here:

Puppies

Very fast and quite mad, except when asleep
If you exercise them too much they will fall apart
If you exercise them too little your home will fall apart

Adults

See puppies above, but stronger, faster and more determined

Lurchers are very sociable with each other, and will soon form a pack, which exacerbates every aspect of the above. On the up side, after all this running, they do sleep a lot. Their preferred sleeping arrangements are:

  • On your bed when you’re very tired and want to get in
  • On the sofa and every chair when you have guests
  • On the floor in a doorway where you will trip over them

Lurchers sleep at interesting angles. This often involves strange, contorted positions with neck twisted round, legs bent like an orthopaedic case-study etc.

Important Note. If your lurcher is completely upside down with all four legs in the air and its eyes closed, it is rarely dead. It is just comfortable.

COMMANDS

Lurcher respond well to commands. They don’t usually obey them, but they do respond well, often with great amusement. Common commands include:

SIT is uncomfortable for a lurcher, and will be ignored.
STAY is boring and will be ignored.
DOWN will be obeyed immediately if the lurcher is tired and was already going for a sleep anyway.
HEEL will leave you tangled in three leads at once and unable to move.
COME will leave you clutching your impact injuries and unable to move.
FETCH is also boring and will be ignored, unless a squirrel is involved.
DROP is unreasonable. It’s their squirrel, after all.

Lurchers have excellent recall. They remember perfectly well that you want to them to come back, and will do so when they have finished what they are doing. Which is usually running in the other direction, or round and round in circles.

FEEDING

These dogs have very specific dietary requirements. The lurcher diet consists of four main food groups:

  • The nice meal you spent two hours preparing.
  • Every cushion, soft toy and stuffed item in your house.
  • The squirrel sixty foot up in that oak tree.
  • Everything left out on the kitchen counter.

If none of these are available, they will eat what is in the dog bowl, but this is a last resort.

chickenA chicken in its natural habitat

We at greydogtales do not insist on any specific diet. Commercial dog food is convenient and adequate, and supports the rice and ash growing industries, but is not much fun. The raw diet is well suited to those who like bloodstains on the carpets and a lot of bones to shift. It works particularly well if you are able to blackmail your local butcher on a regular basis. It is popular with the dogs, but not so popular with the chickens.

THE FAMILY

Lurchers make excellent family members, and are quite easy-going animals. Detailed planning is required, however, as you may not be able to afford both children and lurchers (see also below). Many people these days worry about aggressiveness in dogs. In general, you are more likely to bite your lurcher than it is to bite you.

The only notable exception to this is when they “play” together. This is why many lurcher owners have massive vet bills because their dogs have “had fun” by leaping ten feet in the air at each other, charging each other with teeth bared, and “amusingly” bitten each other’s noses/lips/ears during “fun” hour. The lurchers wonder what all the fuss is about. The owners wonder if they can take out a second mortgage.

IN CONCLUSION

You cannot afford to keep a lurcher, and you are not fit enough. Your home will be wrecked and you will have nowhere to sleep. You will have no food left. On the other hand…

Next time: Probably something ghostly or scary (but not more dogs yet).

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