Tag Archives: films

Batman v Superman: Prawns of Justice

We don’t cover films on greydogtales. Nor do we do reviews. So here’s our review of the new film Batman versus Superman: Dawn of Justice, which we may or may not have seen. Warning: Probably contains serious spoilers. The way we do things, it’s hard to tell. Read this, and you’ll believe a bat can fly. What? They can already?

The movie is a bit dark, so we turned up the brightness. We cut out the moment where Jimmy Olsen’s secret wristwatch signal goes off in the men’s toilets, and three undercover cops grab him.

the hero they forgot (by alex ross)
the hero they forgot to include (by alex ross)

We liked the part where Perry Mason turns up as Clark Kent’s editor and then prosecutes the cub reporters for secretly causing the actress’s supposed suicide. Who would have thought that the poison was in her lipstick? But that would have made our review too long, and we cut that as well.

no, commissioner gordon, i'm afraid you've got the wrong number
no, commissioner gordon, i’m afraid you’ve got the wrong number

Here’s our view of the film. We may have been drunk at the time. We may even have been so sober that our eyes hurt and we made all this up…

(Opening montage – Christian Bale in a temper, destroys Metropolis; a woman runs across the screen in slow motion, wearing a very tight red Baywatch swimsuit and trying to find an invisible plane)


Batman: I’m getting old and bitter, Alfred – I’m not the man I used to be.

Alfred (looking in bat-mirror): Neither of us are, sir. I’m sure I used to be in the Italian Job.

Batman: It’s Superman. He’s a threat to humanity with his powers, his intervention in our affairs and the villains he attracts.

Alfred (glancing at bat-car, bat-plane, exotic weaponry, souvenirs of insane bat-villains and man in black bat-outfit): Yes, sir. If only he were normal, like us.

Robin: Holy tragic imagery, Batman! Am I dead or what?

(Batman and Alfred wander off, ignoring plaintive whining about alternative plot-lines)

looks like the kerpowee! days are over, robin
looks like the kerpowee! days are over, robin


Clark Kent: That Batman! He’s a threat to humanity with his powers, his intervention in our affairs and the villains he attracts.

Louis: Your glasses have melted again, Clark. Say, do I have a meaningful role in this one?

Clark: Something something something investigative journalism something.

Louis: Oh. I suppose I’d better go and expose the numerous villainies of a criminal mastermind. You know, the ones which inexplicably no one else has noticed. That Washington Post has really gone downhill since Watergate.

Clark: Good girl. Three sugars.


(During the Lexcorp Annual Bar-mitzvah, Eid celebration and fundraiser)

Lex Luthor: Zod, Zod, Zoddity-Zod.

Senator Finch: Not when we have guests, Lex.

Lex: But Superman is a threat to humanity with his-

Senator Finch: We’ve done that one.

Lex: Kryptonite. Fightnite. Bat of Gothamite. Can I borrow any DNA you happen to have lying around?

Senator Finch: I’ll get back to you on that.

Passing Antiques Dealer: Ooh look, a mainframe. Is that old?

(Exeunt Lex and Finch, pursued by tropes)

Antiques Dealer (who looks nothing like Wonder Woman, honestly): Hmm, computer files. Blessed Hera, Lex has a file on me. Shoe size is wrong though. And a file on Ambush Bug, Bouncing Boy and a guy who can speak to fish! What force could stop such a stupendous gathering of might?

Batman: I’ll have that file.

Antiques Dealer: OK. I didn’t copy it, either.

Batman: I trust you. Uh-oh, a vision.

Mysterious Time Traveller: Louis Lane something something something investigative journalism something. Future stuff.

Batman: No! Louis Lane crucial yet pointlessly endangered… it’s unthinkable. Must go and find loads of kryptonite.

Antiques Dealer: Of course you must, dear.

we're in the next movie, honest we are
we’re in the next movie, honest we are (cartoon network)


Senator Finch: Are you now, or have you ever been, a communist?

Superman: I don’t think this is going to go well.

(Congress explodes; people die. Everyone who has been saved a zillion times by Superman decides that he stinks)


Batman: Now that I have a ton of this alien metal junk, I need to do something useful with it and go face Superman.

Alfred: Here, sir. Take this press-out cardboard battle armour from Boy’s Own Monthly (1947) and soak it in krypto-paste. That’ll be the ticket.

Batman: You Brits sure know how to kick ass.

Alfred: Arse, sir.

by fire-mask
by fire-mask


Lex: Got you now. Not only do I have your girlfriend, Superman, but I’ve captured Martha’s Vineyard and hidden it.

Superman: Noooo – I had a three-day break booked, as well. Shame the guy who speaks to fish wasn’t around. What do you want, you fiend with variable amounts of hair?

Lex: I want you to fight…. The Batman!

Superman: OK. You could have just asked, you know.

dawn of justice (copyright originator)


Superman: I have a nagging feeling that I should reason with you. Cool spear, by the way.

Batman: Why don’t we have a doughnut together first?

Superman: If you want. What’s on this anyway? No, kryptonite sprinkles! (gasps, collapses).

Batman: Yes, the spear was a dummy. As are you. And now to-

Superman: Save… Martha’s Vineyard!

Batman: My God, I had a holiday there once. This must be Lex’s doing – he always hated Cape Cod.

(Lex, his plans unmasked, unleashes Doonesbury, a satirical monster who questions the relevance of superheroes in the post-modern world)

Antiques Dealer: Sorry I was late – couldn’t find the invisible plane.

(Omnes join forces to fight monster)

Batman: I’m beginning to regret using Alfred’s cardboard armour. Damn you, Boy’s Own Monthly!

Wonder Woman (for it is she): You boys and your toys! (checks magic lasso, bracelets, belt and invisible plane). Damn, it’s disappeared again.

Superman: I have a bad feeling about today.

Batman: Use this spear on the monster. I lied, it’s quite a nasty bit of weaponry. You’ll probably die in the process though, so if you want to think it over…

Doonesbury: Arghhh! Me have such a skin problem today. And double pink-eye. Me mad!

Superman (performs impromptu baton routine with kryptonite spear): Try scratching it with this. I’ll just get close enough so that if anything goes wrong, you can impale me.

Doonesbury: Sounds fair.

(Both are accordingly impaled)

that invisible plane in full detail


Lex: Sucker. Now that Superman is dead, the earth will be imperilled by hordes of powerful alien and/or mutant superbeings. Why this is in my interest I have no idea. I’m not a well man.

Batman: Rats! I mean, bats! No hair tonic for you, Luthor.


(Sundry characters in dinner suits, polo outfits, safari suits – and anything else they can find which isn’t a superhero costume – gather for a funeral)

Bruce Wayne (who is really Batman!): I think I may have got this one wrong.

Antiques Dealer: You think?

Endearing Town Gravedigger: Funny that, ole Clark dying jes’ as that durn Superman done choked on his cornbread.

Lois: Yes, it’s, um, quite a coincidence.

Bruce: I’m going to contact those amazing folk on the computer file – Brasso Boy, Aquavit and the rest. They sound like they couldn’t fail against aliens and/or mutant superbeings. They’ll be called… the Just-In League and fight monstrous evil as long as it only threatens the United States mostly.

Antiques Dealer: Yeah, they sound…. Never mind.

Lois: I got a letter from Martha’s Vineyard. Apparently they want to propose to me.

(Exeunt all, with scriptwriters)

Clark Kent’s Grave: Are we there yet?



You may, of course, want to go and actually see this film – or the real one – to make up your own mind. Gal Gadot looks nice as the Antiques Dealer, though we would have liked to see her kick everyone’s butts and end up as Last Woman Standing. Maybe we’ll go and watch Supergirl again – we enjoyed some of that…

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Star Wars Special (but only sort of)

Let’s give a big welcome, dear listeners, to our special guest today, the New Year. So, 2016 (can I call you that?) tell us a bit about yourself. Only three days old, and yet you’re appearing on greydogtales. Are you nervous? We have a mop and bucket in the corner of the studio, don’t worry about that. The linoleum’s washable. You’re feeling shy? Alright, well would you like to hear what’s coming up for you on this site? Tough luck – we’re doing it anyway.

Today we abandon our typical futuristic, cutting-edge approach (such as our examination of 1897 literature and obscure weird writers who were published seventy years ago) to go Star Wars mad. Which is a serious lie. However, we did have to include a ground-breaking review of the latest film, The Force Awakens, by our old friend Simon Ounsley.


Debonair man-about-town, one of the founders of the award-winning speculative magazine Interzone, and prolific fan writer, Simon graciously went to see The Force Awakens for us (but at his own expense). As a result, we can share this incisive post-modern critique with you, rendered directly from the crayon and bubblegum-packet original he handed us.

important greydogtales health warning: If you have very little sense of humour, this review will make you breathe too hard and post a lot of pointless vitriol on facebook.

So I saw ‘Star Wars – The Franchise Awakes’ today and here is my report. Warning – satirically mutated plot spoilers follow.

I was a quivering wreck by the end because it’s about 95% fight scenes and has disappointingly little of the New Age ‘Force be with you’ claptrap that I, and admittedly possibly I alone, had been hoping for. I think it was a mistake for Disney to make it over the Christmas holidays. That meant there were plenty of special effects available on the new computer they got from Santa but the supermarkets were closed so they couldn’t order new plot supplies and had to make do with ones that already been used in the previous movies.

Basically the main thing they had to do was to find Luke Skywalker so he could train a new generation of Jedi Knights to take on UKIP, sorry I mean First Order, the evil force which had arisen from the ashes of Joy Division when their lead singer Darth Vader died (to be replaced in this new movie by Professor Snape from Hogwarts). This meant destroying the brand new iDeathStar 7S by disabling the capacitator and taking down the Maplin website so they couldn’t order a new one. This they managed to do fairly easily – save the ubiquitous Gandalf-style death plunge – which achieved everything they wanted to do except to find Luke Skywalker which was what they wanted to do.

Fortunately the day was saved by the spontaneous regeneration of Skippy The Bush Kanga-r2d2 who was able to report that Luke had fallen down a mineshaft and been sulking there all along. (“What’s that you say, Skippy?” Beep. “The map is on your hard drive?” Beeb beep.) So all’s well that ends well. I think more could have been made of the sub-plot about the awkwardness of making arrangements for Christmas lunch when so many close family members had gone over to the dark side but the movie’s main lesson (in homage to Basil Fawlty) came over clearly enough: when you’re battling an incipient Jedi Knight ‘don’t mention the Force.’

Thank you, Simon Ounsley. We’d certainly pay to see that. If we went to the cinema. If we had any money.


But back to this New Year thing. We have some terrific content lined up for you, and some ambitious plans. So they’ll go wrong. But in case they don’t, here’s a taste of things which might be to come…

Cand 8b

  • More Lurchers for Beginners – copious photographic and written insights into the world of longdogs, including shocking revelations of Chilli’s celebrity life-style and Django with no pants on yet again.
  • Weird art and features from the Folk-Horror Revival – and here are some pieces from the artists who we hope will be joining us.
christmas day empty norwich 06
by david senior
Dream Figures sketch, Copyright Paul Watson 2014
Dream Figures sketch, Copyright Paul Watson 2014
by bvrzerk
  • Deeper into the comics and graphics novels weirdness – more wondrous Argentinian illustrators, including added Quique Alcatena, and a feature with comics writer, fiction writer and editor Mike Chinn of Starblazer fame.
  • More exclusive interviews – including British artist/writer Andy Paciorek, and starting with a double-feature: authors Clarissa Johal and Anita Stewart talk about their paranormal and horror writing, and women in horror. Or horrible women – something clever like that.
  • Classic authors of the supernatural & strange – this year’s proto-list includes Fitz-James O’Brien, Ambrose Bierce, and the promised H Russell Wakefield piece which never quite seems to get finished.
  • More weird audio and audiovisual links – for those of you who, like us, get a headache from reading all the time and have trouble looking up complicated terms like “post-Ligotti reflective metafiction”.
  • Maybe a site crossover or three – for example, we’re now avid fans of the genial Jim McLeod‘s Ginger Nuts of Horror site, and obviously want to ingratiate ourselves there, like a wrinkled old remora who has found a big, popular shark and is wetting itself with excitement.

ginger nuts of horror

  • And themes – we love themes, because they’re extra work and never quite make sense. This year we fancy Nautical Horror, for one – from ghost stories on the high seas to monstrous abyssal creatures. A bit of William Hope Hodgson and H P Lovecraft might also creep into this one. Dagon, french-fries and a nice hot cup of tea – the Innsmouth pensioners’ deal.
demons of the sea, cabrol
demons of the sea, cabrol


Well, 2016, what do you think of that fabulous line-up? No, don’t do that, it’s not nice and it’s not clever. I think maybe we’ll come back to you when you’re a bit older. Can someone wipe this microphone down and fetch the bucket, please…

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