We’ve all met them. People. The Tall Things Who Can Use Tin Openers. There are, however, many myths and legends surrounding them, and these days, some lurchers get confused. What are humans really like? Should we believe everything we hear?
Most dogs would let this pass and merely go Woof, but we lurchers are the intelligent, inquisitive pinnacle of dog evolution, and not so easily satisfied. Since our earlier articles on Training Your Human, our experts have managed to decode more aspects of these peculiar beings. Today we have a cold-nosed sniff at a few of the myths about living with humans.
1) HUMANS AND PACKS
Humans tend to live in small units, sometimes with juveniles, but we have now concluded that they are not proper pack animals. They co-exist, inside and outside the lair, through a series of blunders and poorly-expressed verbal communications which pass for a social system.
As they have no clear, functional hierarchy, it is up to you to work around this. The easiest route is to help them out by becoming the dominant member, and telling them what to do each day. Make it clear that you have a routine, and that it would be easier for everyone if they just follow that. But be patient. It can take many years to make a collection of essentially disorganised beings into a functional pack. Don’t waste your time trying to see them as upright lurchers. They’re not that well developed.
NOTE: If you are maintaining only one human, you might as well go alpha and boss them around. It’s them or you.
2) THE ‘MEALS ARE ONLY FOR MEALTIME’ MYTH
Certain dogs, such as the more gullible members of the spaniel clan, keep falling for this one. Humans are actually the equivalent of shaved squirrels, and store food randomly all over the place. Just because they shove some of it in a bowl twice a day doesn’t mean you’re supposed to stop there.
First of all, make sure that you stare at them intensely and unremittingly every time they themselves are eating (you can practice this through the window, squinting at the neighbour’s cat). Humans are riddled with something called guilt, and will often give in, throwing food at you to get rid of you.
Secondly, why not check coat pockets, half-shut cupboards and kitchen surfaces? These are all places where humans put food and then forget about it – no point in letting it go to waste. And note that the large white humming thing in the kitchen, the refrigerator, is there for everyone. Humans will be delighted at how clever you are if you manage to nudge a badly-closed refrigerator open and eat the pack of steaks they bought that day. You can tell how delighted they are because they jump around and shriek when they find the empty packaging.
Finally, remember that as lurchers, you can invariably get to food which humans are convinced is out of reach – but don’t overdo this one, or they will end up nailing all foodstuff to the ceiling.
3) HUMANS AND EXERCISE
Contrary to what you may have heard, it seems that humans do not need a lot of exercise. They are, however, inherently lazy and need at least a couple of decent bursts of activity every day. Living with humans is not necessarily a constant trudge from one boring shop to another, or walking in the wrong direction down the same dull street each evening.
Instead, try to provide them with some variety by disappearing during walks and then reappearing in an unexpected place without warning, or dragging them off in a long and complicated hunt for a fox that was down that lane over there three days ago. Keep them on their toes and on the edge of panic – it’s good for them.
Games are also a good idea. ‘Fetch’ is an excellent form of fitness training for them, as we have often said in these pages. Give them a ball or stick to throw, and then while you run around doing something useful, they can stretch their legs by retrieving said object. Repeatedly. If they don’t get it, bring them the object once, to give them the idea, but completely ignore it after that, or they’ll get no exercise at all.
4) HOW MUCH SHOULD HUMANS SLEEP?
Unlike lurchers, humans tend to select a specific chunk of the night and then pass out for many hours at a time, usually on your bed. But is this good for them? Lurcher scientists have uncovered new evidence that suggests humans are more attentive when regularly stimulated. They just don’t understand the proper pattern of napping on and off throughout the entire day.
Help their development through easy techniques, such as jumping onto their heads at three in the morning, suddenly deciding you need a pee in the middle of the night and whining incessantly, or simply rolling all the bedding around you until they wake up due to hypothermia. In the morning you will find your humans far more interested in a series of well planned naps, like normal beings.
NEVER let a human sleep for more than four hours in a row. Doing so can be seriously injurious to the amount of attention you receive.
5) THE DEAFNESS MYTH
Most humans have surprisingly good hearing, but (as we have often pointed out) very limited comprehension. The erroneous belief that they are rather deaf as a species is therefore only based on their inability to understand what you are saying.
There are a number of ways round this. They respond quite well to direct stimuli – try ramming your nose into their crotches until they pay attention, or shoving your food bowl across the floor until they trip over it.
If you have been barking for half an hour without pause, and they still haven’t responded, vary your instructions by alternating sharp barks with a high, keening whine, and then a series of worrying grumbles. They will eventually get the message.
NOTE: If your human is genuinely hard of hearing, just go straight for the ‘nose rammed in crotch’ approach.
6) ARE THEY OBSESSED WITH POO?
Strangely, this last one is completely true. Whilst humans make a stab at being social, when it comes to peeing and pooing, they really do prefer to lock themselves in a tiny, cramped room, completely isolated, and do their business there, pretending that no one else exists. The porcelain thing in this room is treated with reverence – washed, wiped and visited many times a day. Human visitors will ask to see it, or queue to go in there. Sometimes they will even kneel before it, as if in worship, and open their mouths wide to make a special offering.
Lurcher theologians have concluded that this is a religious matter beyond our understanding – a view which is strengthened by the way in which humans got to great effort to collect our poo in little bags and then try to find a special container for it. A gesture to some unknown God? Who can be sure? The human is one of the strangest animals we will ever encounter.
IN CONCLUSION
Learn to separate myth from reality, and with time you will grow to like these beings. Mostly. When in doubt, simply hang out with other lurchers. You know it makes sense.
