As a lurcher your language is complex, with many subtleties and nuances. It has evolved over centuries, and is as graceful as you are. Supplemented by small messages in pee left at key points around the neighbourhood, it is the language of athletes and heroes.

Human language, on the other hand, consists of inarticulate grunts and long, pointless lip movements. A lot of what they say serves no purpose whatsoever – even they seem to think that, going by their expressions when they talk to each other.

So today on Lurchers for Beginners, we’re providing you with…

Training Your Human Part Two: Basic Communication

Last time ( training your human part one ) we mentioned that your human(s) will not understand a lot of what you say, and that you should make allowances for that. This week we’re going to explore trying to ‘talk’ to them, frustrating though it may seem at first. With practice, you will be able to interpret their simplistic attempts at communication, and even get them to respond to basic commands.

What Human Sounds Mean

Most of their conversations with you will be peppered with things like “No”, “Bad” and “Get off there”. These are meaningless words which humans include for no discernible reason. After considerable study, lurcher linguists believe that such words are used to make the human feel dominant and in control. This is probably some sort of throwback to before humans were domesticated. You can safely ignore these bits.

“Ohmygodwhathaveyoudonetothatsofa” is another common but meaningless word. If they are excited about your artistic redecoration of the room (such as your mud drawings on the carpet or your sculpture made of cushion stuffing), they will show it by jumping up and down, pulling at their hair and making high wailing noises. Sometimes they will show their gratitude by letting you outside for a moment while they sit and appreciate what you have done for them.

Learn instead to recognise key sounds they make like “Breakfast”, “Dinner” and “Walk”. These are the useful parts of their language. You can even use basic commands to encourage communication along these lines (see Commands below).

When out and about, they will use words like “Heel” and “Fetch”. As you are perfectly aware that they have a heel (two, in fact, which tells you something about their ability to count) this needs little response.

Fetch is an odd one – if they’d wanted the ball, stick or whatever, why did they throw it away? You can try taking the ball back to them, but there’s a good chance they’ll only throw it away again. On the other hand, if you do fetch them important things, like a dead rat or a lump of fox poo, they make a fuss. It’s up to you if you want to bother with this one.

Note: Humans are also bad with names. If you are called Twiglet, for example, your humans will vary this quite bizarrely – Twig, Twiggie, Wiggly, Wodger, Old Bear, Smelly, Bloody Nuisance, Pain in the Arse and so on. Indulge them. As long as your name is accompanied by “Breakfast”, “Dinner” or “Walk”, it doesn’t really matter. You know that your name is actually Mighty Brown Swimming-Claw, Scourge of the Lower Street Not Including the Last Lamp-Post, and there’s no chance that they’ll ever manage to remember that.

Let’s look at how to get them to understand you on a verbal level. There are times when they will seem as dumb as a sack of cats, but if you keep at it, some of them will eventually catch on. There are a few simple techniques which can help, as outlined below.

General Phrases

If you suffer a minor bruise or injury – Merely pointing out that you have a small cut will not be noticed. The answer is to shriek loudly at the top of your voice, as if your leg had come off. Rolling your eyes and limping dramatically will give impact to your point. Try to achieve a cross between an over-paid footballer and an opera singer.

If you see another dog off the leash while going for a walk – Bark loudly and pull on your own lead in sudden surges which unbalance your human. That will alert them to the fact that the other dog should be leashed up like you. Or that you should both be off.

If you see a cat, squirrel, rabbit, or lame buffalo that might be potential prey – Combine shrieking and barking to achieve an aesthetic affect which sets everyone’s teeth on edge. This will remind them that you are a proud hunting beast, and not a door-stop.

If a stranger comes into the house at night – Bark and then point at the fridge. If this is when the usual humans are out, it may be a burglar, but they’re not going to take anything of yours, so why get worked up about it? You’re not one of these common guard dogs, for goodness sake, you’re a lurcher. And there’s always the chance that they’ll look in the fridge themselves and leave the door open.

Commands

The more intelligent humans can be trained to respond to simple commands. Don’t overdo it, as they still have limitations. We suggest some useful starting points:

The short, single bark – Ideal to indicate that you want something right now, not tomorrow or when they’re ready, thank you. Make sure that the bark is abrupt and penetrating. Useful for walks, going outside and food. If ignored, wait until their attention drifts and then do it again suddenly without warning, preferably when they’re carrying something.

The repeated short bark – Used to point out that they ignored the single bark, and that it’s time they got their act together. This can also be used to get the attention of the human pack and say “Gather round, I have something to say to you all.”

The long, penetrating whine – Useful for indicating that you want more attention, your bottom rubbing or a more comfortable place on the sofa. Remember to keep it up for half an hour at least, and try to sound deeply sorrowful, even if all you want is an ear scratch. They will give in eventually.

The low growl – A simple command to go away because you do not intend to get off the bed, give them your bone etc. Self-explanatory. How would they like it if you took their steak dinner? Well, OK, you did, but that’s not the point. They’re not in charge, after all.

Bark and howl combination – Handy to point out that they’ve left you shut in the wrong room, or that it’s cold outside and you want to come in. Humans enjoy ghost stories, so make sure your howl evokes the suffering of the dead, the mournful fate of lost souls, etc.

Note: If you spot a set of headphones or earplugs around the house, this means that they are looking for ways to block out your commands. Chew these up immediately and leave the remains lying around to make your point. It may also be a good idea to chew up the TV remote, in case they try to ignore you that way.

Practice these phrases and commands regularly. Once disobedience sets in with humans, it can takes months of hard work to get them back under control again. If they are obedient, then reinforce this with small gestures, such as a wag, a lick or the occasional soulful look, but don’t overdo it. Any human who thinks he or she is boss in your home will soon become a bloody nuisance, and everyone will suffer as a result.

Be firm, be fair, and be a lurcher.

Lurchers for Beginners will return soon. In the meantime, we’ll be back in a couple of days with the usual weird and supernatural stuff. Treat yourself – come home to greydogtales…