or Dog Herding the Hard Way

We have recently discovered that some people do not know what a lurcher is. Such people are not well, and must be helped. Therefore the entire greydogtales workforce has abandoned its occult writing duties in order to produce a brief introduction to these noble dogs.

THE BASICS

The most common question asked about lurchers is: Where has my dinner gone? The second most common question is: What is a lurcher, anyway? You cannot answer either of these, because your dog has mysteriously disappeared over the horizon.

Greydogtales is here to help. Put simply, a lurcher is a cross between:

i) a dog which runs too fast for you and chases everything (a sighthound), and
ii) a dog which runs slightly more slowly but still chases everything (a working dog).

A longdog is a cross between two sighthounds, which means you don’t have a chance. The lurcher combination produces healthy, lively dogs, and healthy, exhausted owners. The name is derived from two words:

Lurch – as in to leave someone in the lurch, ie. far behind and helpless, and
Er – as in where’s that bloody dog gone now?

Two lurchers close at heel

GENERAL NATURE

Lurchers have two phases to their lives, the puppy and the adult. These are mostly indistinguishable, but we can note the key characteristics here:

Puppies

Very fast and quite mad, except when asleep
If you exercise them too much they will fall apart
If you exercise them too little your home will fall apart

Adults

See puppies above, but stronger, faster and more determined

Lurchers are very sociable with each other, and will soon form a pack, which exacerbates every aspect of the above. On the up side, after all this running, they do sleep a lot. Their preferred sleeping arrangements are:

• On your bed when you’re very tired and want to get in
• On the sofa and every chair when you have guests
• On the floor in a doorway where you will trip over them

Lurchers sleep at interesting angles. This often involves strange, contorted positions with neck twisted round, legs bent like an orthopaedic case-study etc.

Important Note. If your lurcher is completely upside down with all four legs in the air and its eyes closed, it is rarely dead. It is just comfortable.

COMMANDS

Lurcher respond well to commands. They don’t usually obey them, but they do respond well, often with great amusement. Common commands include:

SIT is uncomfortable for a lurcher, and will be ignored.
STAY is boring and will be ignored.
DOWN will be obeyed immediately if the lurcher is tired and was already going for a sleep anyway.
HEEL will leave you tangled in three leads at once and unable to move.
COME will leave you clutching your impact injuries and unable to move.
FETCH is also boring and will be ignored, unless a squirrel is involved.
DROP is unreasonable. It’s their squirrel, after all.

Lurchers have excellent recall. They remember perfectly well that you want to them to come back, and will do so when they have finished what they are doing. Which is usually running in the other direction, or round and round in circles.

FEEDING

These dogs have very specific dietary requirements. The lurcher diet consists of four main food groups:

• The nice meal you spent two hours preparing.
• Every cushion, soft toy and stuffed item in your house.
• The squirrel sixty foot up in that oak tree.
• Everything left out on the kitchen counter.

If none of these are available, they will eat what is in the dog bowl, but this is a last resort.

A chicken in its natural habitat

We at greydogtales do not insist on any specific diet. Commercial dog food is convenient and adequate, and supports the rice and ash growing industries, but is not much fun. The raw diet is well suited to those who like bloodstains on the carpets and a lot of bones to shift. It works particularly well if you are able to blackmail your local butcher on a regular basis. It is popular with the dogs, but not so popular with the chickens.

THE FAMILY

Lurchers make excellent family members, and are quite easy-going animals. Detailed planning is required, however, as you may not be able to afford both children and lurchers (see also below). Many people these days worry about aggressiveness in dogs. In general, you are more likely to bite your lurcher than it is to bite you.

The only notable exception to this is when they “play” together. This is why many lurcher owners have massive vet bills because their dogs have “had fun” by leaping ten feet in the air at each other, charging each other with teeth bared, and “amusingly” bitten each other’s noses/lips/ears during “fun” hour. The lurchers wonder what all the fuss is about. The owners wonder if they can take out a second mortgage.

IN CONCLUSION

You cannot afford to keep a lurcher, and you are not fit enough. Your home will be wrecked and you will have nowhere to sleep. You will have no food left. On the other hand…

Next time: Probably something ghostly or scary (but not more dogs yet).