An exciting Anne Rice horror feature? No. Last night we read two graphic novels, The Master of Rampling Gate and Young Witches. The first wasn’t very novel (nice art, though), and the second turned out to be very graphic, if you get our drift. Ulp! We’re not doing that. So we’re in Lurchers Mode today.

Concerned about your dog’s thoughts? Wonder if he or she is planning world domination, or possibly working out how to open the fridge? Worry no longer. Yes, thanks to the new patented greydogtales Encephalographic Monitoring (gEM) system, we can now expose the actual thoughts of longdogs as they go about their daily business.

This innovative device, soon to be available in the shops, will be a boon to all lurcher enthusiasts who aren’t sure what’s really going on in those sleek little brain-pans. For potential buyers, we present an example of the gEM at work.

A typical day, a typical town. We strapped ourselves into the handy, portable gEM field model (only 47 kilos, excluding antennae) and went for a stroll with two randomly-picked longdogs. For the record, Chilli describes herself as a lean alpha female, a deerhound cross with a graceful air and a keen interest in nature. Django was peeing and too distracted to speak to us, but he appears to be some sort of deerhound/wallaby cross.

We set off to see what we could record of the longdogs’ complex thought patterns during an average walk…

(Transcript begins five minutes after difficult procedure of actually getting out of the house)

gEM operative: This way, no, not up there. This way!
Chilli: Squirrel in fifth beech tree, right-hand side, elevation 10.7 metres. Adult male, acceptable target. High alert shrieking commenced…
Operative: No, I said this way!
Chilli: Hmph. If you insist, and under protest, mind you. I could have had that, no problem.
Django: (totally unaware of squirrel) Okey-dokey.

(Dogs comply, but run either side of concrete street bollard, causing impact with operative’s man-bits)

Operative: Oww! (and some words not suitable for transcribing)
Chilli: Three poodles bearing west southwest, low velocity, within strike distance. One older alpha, easily dominated.
Django: I hungry.
Chilli: On second thoughts, low street credibility in terrifying random old poodles. Strike aborted. Must remember to update data on breed recognition charts.
Django: Look, daffodillies!

(Long pause while daffodils are watered copiously. Net curtains twitch in all neighbouring houses)

Chilli: Time to supplement meat ration with 14 grammes coarse grass.
Django: Grass boring.
Operative: For goodness sake, you’re not a bloody cow, Chilli. That’s enough.
Chilli: Consumption terminated at 12.5 grammes. I will be lodging a complaint, mind you.
Operative: Can we please get on, now?
Django: I hungry.
Chilli: Labrador bearing due north. Not resident, needs investigation and check for permits. Proceeding to carry out routine interrogation, possibly with extreme prejudice…
Operative: I said this way!
Django: Run now?

(Rapid detour to other street to avoid worried-looking labrador, and even more worried looking labrador walker)

Chilli: Uh-oh. You do know that this route is full of…
Django: Daffodillies!

(Four very long pauses for watering ritual. Mission proceeds down back alley, leaving many badly-wounded flowers to their fate. Operative realises that he has accidentally entered feline zone)

Chilli: Cat scan complete. Ginger, heavyweight male under white van, 10 metres. Scratch factor – 7.3. Proceed with caution. Juvenile female, 15 metres, garden wall. High pursuit value…
Operative: No! Naughty dog (tightens lead).
Django: I hungry. Oooh, pastie!
Operative: Django, that’s not good for… oh well, never mind, you’ve eaten it.
Django: Run now?
Chilli: Not optimal exercise area, suggest bearing east, major fields with wooded section. High squirrel potential.
Django: Run now?
Operative: Django, stop pulling. Yes, alright, we’ll go to the woods.

(Turn around, attempt to reach woodland via side-street)

Chilli: Malamute at 30 metres. Large adolescent male. I can take that amateur…
Django: More daffodillies!
Operative: Chilli, no. Leave the poor dog alone, it’s barely twice your size. Django, I am not stopping for the fifteenth time so that you can destroy another floral display. Come on, both of you!
Django: Done poo.

(Several motorists slow down to observe what appears to be a kangaroo relieving itself and looking pleased)

Operative: Django, those are nettles you’ve done your business in. And I’m almost out of bags.
Chilli: Two spaniels spotted, northeast and not on leads. Serious intervention required. Prepare for full thrust…
Operative: Ow, bloody stingers. I’m trying to pick this up, you (deleted).
Django: I still hungry. Run now?

(Repeat ad infinitum)

The test mission was abandoned not long after, due to the sighting of a squirrel, a cat and several daffodils all at the same time, causing the equipment to overload and emit choking black smoke. Our gEM operative expressed a strong desire to have tortoises in future.

Don’t forget, all lurcher and longdog posts are tagged on the left. Just click on the keyword, and previous posts will magically appear. Possibly. And if you don’t like weird fiction that much (it does happen, I guess) , trying clicking on weird art to see some really cool paintings and illustrations.

In a couple of days: Weird fiction, scary stuff and arty things once more…