We don’t cover films on greydogtales. Nor do we do reviews. So here’s our review of the new film Batman versus Superman: Dawn of Justice, which we may or may not have seen. Warning: Probably contains serious spoilers. The way we do things, it’s hard to tell. Read this, and you’ll believe a bat can fly. What? They can already?

The movie is a bit dark, so we turned up the brightness. We cut out the moment where Jimmy Olsen’s secret wristwatch signal goes off in the men’s toilets, and three undercover cops grab him.

We liked the part where Perry Mason turns up as Clark Kent’s editor and then prosecutes the cub reporters for secretly causing the actress’s supposed suicide. Who would have thought that the poison was in her lipstick? But that would have made our review too long, and we cut that as well.

Here’s our view of the film. We may have been drunk at the time. We may even have been so sober that our eyes hurt and we made all this up…

(Opening montage – Christian Bale in a temper, destroys Metropolis; a woman runs across the screen in slow motion, wearing a very tight red Baywatch swimsuit and trying to find an invisible plane)

SCENE ONE: THE BATCAVE

Batman: I’m getting old and bitter, Alfred – I’m not the man I used to be.

Alfred (looking in bat-mirror): Neither of us are, sir. I’m sure I used to be in the Italian Job.

Batman: It’s Superman. He’s a threat to humanity with his powers, his intervention in our affairs and the villains he attracts.

Alfred (glancing at bat-car, bat-plane, exotic weaponry, souvenirs of insane bat-villains and man in black bat-outfit): Yes, sir. If only he were normal, like us.

Robin: Holy tragic imagery, Batman! Am I dead or what?

(Batman and Alfred wander off, ignoring plaintive whining about alternative plot-lines)

SCENE TWO: THE DAILY PLANET

Clark Kent: That Batman! He’s a threat to humanity with his powers, his intervention in our affairs and the villains he attracts.

Louis: Your glasses have melted again, Clark. Say, do I have a meaningful role in this one?

Clark: Something something something investigative journalism something.

Louis: Oh. I suppose I’d better go and expose the numerous villainies of a criminal mastermind. You know, the ones which inexplicably no one else has noticed. That Washington Post has really gone downhill since Watergate.

Clark: Good girl. Three sugars.

SCENE THREE: THE LEXCAVE

(During the Lexcorp Annual Bar-mitzvah, Eid celebration and fundraiser)

Lex Luthor: Zod, Zod, Zoddity-Zod.

Senator Finch: Not when we have guests, Lex.

Lex: But Superman is a threat to humanity with his-

Senator Finch: We’ve done that one.

Lex: Kryptonite. Fightnite. Bat of Gothamite. Can I borrow any DNA you happen to have lying around?

Senator Finch: I’ll get back to you on that.

Passing Antiques Dealer: Ooh look, a mainframe. Is that old?

(Exeunt Lex and Finch, pursued by tropes)

Antiques Dealer (who looks nothing like Wonder Woman, honestly): Hmm, computer files. Blessed Hera, Lex has a file on me. Shoe size is wrong though. And a file on Ambush Bug, Bouncing Boy and a guy who can speak to fish! What force could stop such a stupendous gathering of might?

Batman: I’ll have that file.

Antiques Dealer: OK. I didn’t copy it, either.

Batman: I trust you. Uh-oh, a vision.

Mysterious Time Traveller: Louis Lane something something something investigative journalism something. Future stuff.

Batman: No! Louis Lane crucial yet pointlessly endangered… it’s unthinkable. Must go and find loads of kryptonite.

Antiques Dealer: Of course you must, dear.

SCENE FOUR: US CAPITOL

Senator Finch: Are you now, or have you ever been, a communist?

Superman: I don’t think this is going to go well.

(Congress explodes; people die. Everyone who has been saved a zillion times by Superman decides that he stinks)

SCENE FIVE: THE BATCAVE

Batman: Now that I have a ton of this alien metal junk, I need to do something useful with it and go face Superman.

Alfred: Here, sir. Take this press-out cardboard battle armour from Boy’s Own Monthly (1947) and soak it in krypto-paste. That’ll be the ticket.

Batman: You Brits sure know how to kick ass.

Alfred: Arse, sir.

SCENE SIX: THE LEXCAVE

Lex: Got you now. Not only do I have your girlfriend, Superman, but I’ve captured Martha’s Vineyard and hidden it.

Superman: Noooo – I had a three-day break booked, as well. Shame the guy who speaks to fish wasn’t around. What do you want, you fiend with variable amounts of hair?

Lex: I want you to fight…. The Batman!

Superman: OK. You could have just asked, you know.

SCENE SEVEN: THE BIG BATTLE

Superman: I have a nagging feeling that I should reason with you. Cool spear, by the way.

Batman: Why don’t we have a doughnut together first?

Superman: If you want. What’s on this anyway? No, kryptonite sprinkles! (gasps, collapses).

Batman: Yes, the spear was a dummy. As are you. And now to-

Superman: Save… Martha’s Vineyard!

Batman: My God, I had a holiday there once. This must be Lex’s doing – he always hated Cape Cod.

(Lex, his plans unmasked, unleashes Doonesbury, a satirical monster who questions the relevance of superheroes in the post-modern world)

Antiques Dealer: Sorry I was late – couldn’t find the invisible plane.

(Omnes join forces to fight monster)

Batman: I’m beginning to regret using Alfred’s cardboard armour. Damn you, Boy’s Own Monthly!

Wonder Woman (for it is she): You boys and your toys! (checks magic lasso, bracelets, belt and invisible plane). Damn, it’s disappeared again.

Superman: I have a bad feeling about today.

Batman: Use this spear on the monster. I lied, it’s quite a nasty bit of weaponry. You’ll probably die in the process though, so if you want to think it over…

Doonesbury: Arghhh! Me have such a skin problem today. And double pink-eye. Me mad!

Superman (performs impromptu baton routine with kryptonite spear): Try scratching it with this. I’ll just get close enough so that if anything goes wrong, you can impale me.

Doonesbury: Sounds fair.

(Both are accordingly impaled)

SCENE EIGHT: A POLICE CELL IN ARKANSAS

Lex: Sucker. Now that Superman is dead, the earth will be imperilled by hordes of powerful alien and/or mutant superbeings. Why this is in my interest I have no idea. I’m not a well man.

Batman: Rats! I mean, bats! No hair tonic for you, Luthor.

SCENE NINE: SMALLVILLE

(Sundry characters in dinner suits, polo outfits, safari suits – and anything else they can find which isn’t a superhero costume – gather for a funeral)

Bruce Wayne (who is really Batman!): I think I may have got this one wrong.

Antiques Dealer: You think?

Endearing Town Gravedigger: Funny that, ole Clark dying jes’ as that durn Superman done choked on his cornbread.

Lois: Yes, it’s, um, quite a coincidence.

Bruce: I’m going to contact those amazing folk on the computer file – Brasso Boy, Aquavit and the rest. They sound like they couldn’t fail against aliens and/or mutant superbeings. They’ll be called… the Just-In League and fight monstrous evil as long as it only threatens the United States mostly.

Antiques Dealer: Yeah, they sound…. Never mind.

Lois: I got a letter from Martha’s Vineyard. Apparently they want to propose to me.

(Exeunt all, with scriptwriters)

Clark Kent’s Grave: Are we there yet?

END

You may, of course, want to go and actually see this film – or the real one – to make up your own mind. Gal Gadot looks nice as the Antiques Dealer, though we would have liked to see her kick everyone’s butts and end up as Last Woman Standing. Maybe we’ll go and watch Supergirl again – we enjoyed some of that…