Let’s give a big welcome, dear listeners, to our special guest today, the New Year. So, 2016 (can I call you that?) tell us a bit about yourself. Only three days old, and yet you’re appearing on greydogtales. Are you nervous? We have a mop and bucket in the corner of the studio, don’t worry about that. The linoleum’s washable. You’re feeling shy? Alright, well would you like to hear what’s coming up for you on this site? Tough luck – we’re doing it anyway.

Today we abandon our typical futuristic, cutting-edge approach (such as our examination of 1897 literature and obscure weird writers who were published seventy years ago) to go Star Wars mad. Which is a serious lie. However, we did have to include a ground-breaking review of the latest film, The Force Awakens, by our old friend Simon Ounsley.

Debonair man-about-town, one of the founders of the award-winning speculative magazine Interzone, and prolific fan writer, Simon graciously went to see The Force Awakens for us (but at his own expense). As a result, we can share this incisive post-modern critique with you, rendered directly from the crayon and bubblegum-packet original he handed us.

important greydogtales health warning: If you have very little sense of humour, this review will make you breathe too hard and post a lot of pointless vitriol on facebook.

So I saw ‘Star Wars – The Franchise Awakes’ today and here is my report. Warning – satirically mutated plot spoilers follow.

I was a quivering wreck by the end because it’s about 95% fight scenes and has disappointingly little of the New Age ‘Force be with you’ claptrap that I, and admittedly possibly I alone, had been hoping for. I think it was a mistake for Disney to make it over the Christmas holidays. That meant there were plenty of special effects available on the new computer they got from Santa but the supermarkets were closed so they couldn’t order new plot supplies and had to make do with ones that already been used in the previous movies.

Basically the main thing they had to do was to find Luke Skywalker so he could train a new generation of Jedi Knights to take on UKIP, sorry I mean First Order, the evil force which had arisen from the ashes of Joy Division when their lead singer Darth Vader died (to be replaced in this new movie by Professor Snape from Hogwarts). This meant destroying the brand new iDeathStar 7S by disabling the capacitator and taking down the Maplin website so they couldn’t order a new one. This they managed to do fairly easily – save the ubiquitous Gandalf-style death plunge – which achieved everything they wanted to do except to find Luke Skywalker which was what they wanted to do.

Fortunately the day was saved by the spontaneous regeneration of Skippy The Bush Kanga-r2d2 who was able to report that Luke had fallen down a mineshaft and been sulking there all along. (“What’s that you say, Skippy?” Beep. “The map is on your hard drive?” Beeb beep.) So all’s well that ends well. I think more could have been made of the sub-plot about the awkwardness of making arrangements for Christmas lunch when so many close family members had gone over to the dark side but the movie’s main lesson (in homage to Basil Fawlty) came over clearly enough: when you’re battling an incipient Jedi Knight ‘don’t mention the Force.’

Thank you, Simon Ounsley. We’d certainly pay to see that. If we went to the cinema. If we had any money.

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But back to this New Year thing. We have some terrific content lined up for you, and some ambitious plans. So they’ll go wrong. But in case they don’t, here’s a taste of things which might be to come…

• More Lurchers for Beginners – copious photographic and written insights into the world of longdogs, including shocking revelations of Chilli’s celebrity life-style and Django with no pants on yet again.
• Weird art and features from the Folk-Horror Revival – and here are some pieces from the artists who we hope will be joining us.

• Deeper into the comics and graphics novels weirdness – more wondrous Argentinian illustrators, including added Quique Alcatena, and a feature with comics writer, fiction writer and editor Mike Chinn of Starblazer fame.
• More exclusive interviews – including British artist/writer Andy Paciorek, and starting with a double-feature: authors Clarissa Johal and Anita Stewart talk about their paranormal and horror writing, and women in horror. Or horrible women – something clever like that.
• Classic authors of the supernatural & strange – this year’s proto-list includes Fitz-James O’Brien, Ambrose Bierce, and the promised H Russell Wakefield piece which never quite seems to get finished.
• More weird audio and audiovisual links – for those of you who, like us, get a headache from reading all the time and have trouble looking up complicated terms like “post-Ligotti reflective metafiction”.
• Maybe a site crossover or three – for example, we’re now avid fans of the genial Jim McLeod‘s Ginger Nuts of Horror site, and obviously want to ingratiate ourselves there, like a wrinkled old remora who has found a big, popular shark and is wetting itself with excitement.

ginger nuts of horror

• And themes – we love themes, because they’re extra work and never quite make sense. This year we fancy Nautical Horror, for one – from ghost stories on the high seas to monstrous abyssal creatures. A bit of William Hope Hodgson and H P Lovecraft might also creep into this one. Dagon, french-fries and a nice hot cup of tea – the Innsmouth pensioners’ deal.

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Well, 2016, what do you think of that fabulous line-up? No, don’t do that, it’s not nice and it’s not clever. I think maybe we’ll come back to you when you’re a bit older. Can someone wipe this microphone down and fetch the bucket, please…