Today’s Training your Human subject is a delicate one for all lurchers. We have already pointed out that human beings are quite incompetent as a species. They can’t catch cats or squirrels, don’t run very well and so forth. Their methods of communication are primitive, and they can’t smell a fox from two feet away. Tragic, really. Nowhere is this incompetence more obvious than in the area of mating, so read on and learn what YOU need to know…

Humans have two basic conditions:

1. They are not mated: They wander around the house moaning about having to live on their own, and tell you that you are their only real friend.
2. They are mated: They wander around the house moaning about having to live with another human, and tell you that you are their only real friend.

It can be difficult to decide which of these is preferable. The moaning is annoying, but either condition ensures that you are well catered for, which is the important part.

If your human is solitary (and sometimes even if they are not), they may attempt to mate with what we shall call New Human. As you are in charge of the home, you are the one responsible for what happens next. Regular Human will probably make a mess of it, and you will have to pick up the pieces afterwards anyway.

Training your Human – First Steps

New Human may be someone you have never seen before. They may be that person from the park with the annoying little dog – the yappy one who is nearer to your idea of a quick snack than a proper lurching dog. Or they may already be under the control of another lurcher, which means that a lot of your work has already been done. Phew.

Note: If they turn out to be the one who has seventeen cats and lives in a top floor flat, you need to nip things in the bud. Go into an insane frenzy at every real or imagined feline you see on your walk, and then pee copiously on New Human’s leg. That should put an end to that.

Assuming your own human can manage the appallingly simple process of making a new ‘friend’ (which you can sort out in about half a minute with a sniff and a wag), New Human will eventually come to your home. This is when the real work starts.

If they seem at all nervous or hesitant about you, then charge forward with enthusiasm and investigate any available crannies with your cold wet nose. This will encourage them to like you. Follow them as they back away, if necessary. It’s the only way they’ll learn.

If, on the other hand, they seem keen and excited to meet you, go back to sleep. After treats, of course.

Testing the Water

Always check for tolerance early on. Imagine that you’re an engineer building a bridge, and need to do stress-testing. Jump onto New Human’s lap and make sure that at least two of your paws slam them in the genitalia. Poke their faces until their glasses fall off. Have a good look through any bags they’ve brought with them. If they survive this, then you can allow further visits.

Regular Human and New Human will want time together. Make sure that you enhance their experience by clambering onto the sofa next to them, putting your paws and chin on their shoulders, and so on. If possible, slide in between them to let them know how much you want them to be together.

Initially they may not realise the importance of having you close. They may mistakenly try to keep you out of the room, or on some other piece of furniture. You are wiser, so keep at it. Humans are easily worn down, and will accept that you are in charge. Training your human is a matter of persistence and willpower, as we have said before.

The mating antics of humans are, well, odd. You will probably see a number of phases:

1) One human, usually the male, will pull up or obtain a bunch of flowers. If they are from the garden, you will recognise these as the ones you peed on yesterday. He will then give them to the female so she can watch them wilt and die. This is probably symbolic of something, but it doesn’t really matter what.

2) They will start holding paws for no apparent reason, limiting their mobility and causing them to trip over things or get stuck in doorways. This will make them laugh, also for no reason.

3) They will attempt to play bitey-face. They are very bad at this. Instead of having a rousing game, clashing teeth and grabbing scruffs of necks, they end up pushing their snouts together in a half-hearted manner and making wet noises. It’s sad to watch.

4) They will mumble at each other endlessly, none of which will achieve anything. Your own human will tell very boring stories about themselves, and then adopt a bizarre expression which is supposed to mean they are paying attention to New Human. We think that this is something to do with them not having tails, and therefore having no real idea of what the other one is thinking or feeling.

Two things can happen next. Either Regular Human wanders around the house smiling and giving you extra treats, OR Regular Human wanders around the house crying – and gives you extra treats. So it’s win-win, to be honest.

Fostering and Adoption

If the weird smiling bit has followed, then Regular Human may attempt to foster or adopt New Human. New Human will be seen at the house for more bad games of bitey-face. Then he or she will not go back to their own kennel or cave at all some nights. They will stay!

This is the tricky part. Not for you, of course. There is now an extension to the Pack, however temporary, and rules must be asserted. As you will already have gone through this with Regular Human, it’s tedious – but necessary. Make it clear that New Human must follow the standard regulations from the Training your Human manual:

• Get out of the way when you want to lie on the bed
• Not take up more of the sofa then necessary
• Ensure that food and water bowls are full when Regular Human has forgotten
• Open the back door and then stand there for an hour in the freezing cold whilst you decide if you want to go out or not
• Give you extra treats

There will be times when instead of sleeping, your humans will try to ‘play’ on your bed, usually with no clothes on. This can be a nuisance. The advantage of being a lurcher is that you have a very long nose and at least eight very long legs. Use all of these to point out that it is your bed. After a while they will make annoyed noises and either stop ‘playing’, or leave to do it somewhere else. Then you can get back to your nap.

And that’s all you need to know for today. If New Human does become a permanent part of the establishment, then you can refer to previous chapters of Training Your Human for key information. Just get someone to type the phrase into the searchbox on this page.

One last note: It is possible that after ‘playing’ on the bed (or kitchen table) a lot, one of your two humans will give birth to smaller humans. Or will decide to get a smaller human from somewhere else. As this is a whole new area where your skills will be needed, we shall leave this part for proper consideration another day.

Next time on greydogtales – some stuff about the supernatural, weird books, detectives, or even Django’s bowel movements – how would we know?