As a lurcher your language is complex, with many subtleties and nuances. It has evolved over centuries, and is as graceful as you are. Supplemented by small messages in pee left at key points around the neighbourhood, it is the language of athletes and heroes.

Human language, on the other hand, consists of inarticulate grunts and long, pointless lip movements. A lot of what they say serves no purpose whatsoever – even they seem to think that, going by their expressions when they talk to each other.

So today on Lurchers for Beginners, we’re providing you with…

Training Your Human Part Two: Basic Communication

Last time ( training your human part one ) we mentioned that your human(s) will not understand a lot of what you say, and that you should make allowances for that. This week we’re going to explore trying to ‘talk’ to them, frustrating though it may seem at first. With practice, you will be able to interpret their simplistic attempts at communication, and even get them to respond to basic commands.

What Human Sounds Mean

Most of their conversations with you will be peppered with things like “No”, “Bad” and “Get off there”. These are meaningless words which humans include for no discernible reason. After considerable study, lurcher linguists believe that such words are used to make the human feel dominant and in control. This is probably some sort of throwback to before humans were domesticated. You can safely ignore these bits.

“Ohmygodwhathaveyoudonetothatsofa” is another common but meaningless word. If they are excited about your artistic redecoration of the room (such as your mud drawings on the carpet or your sculpture made of cushion stuffing), they will show it by jumping up and down, pulling at their hair and making high wailing noises. Sometimes they will show their gratitude by letting you outside for a moment while they sit and appreciate what you have done for them.

Learn instead to recognise key sounds they make like “Breakfast”, “Dinner” and “Walk”. These are the useful parts of their language. You can even use basic commands to encourage communication along these lines (see Commands below).

When out and about, they will use words like “Heel” and “Fetch”. As you are perfectly aware that they have a heel (two, in fact, which tells you something about their ability to count) this needs little response.

Fetch is an odd one – if they’d wanted the ball, stick or whatever, why did they throw it away? You can try taking the ball back to them, but there’s a good chance they’ll only throw it away again. On the other hand, if you do fetch them important things, like a dead rat or a lump of fox poo, they make a fuss. It’s up to you if you want to bother with this one.

Note: Humans are also bad with names. If you are called Twiglet, for example, your humans will vary this quite bizarrely – Twig, Twiggie, Wiggly, Wodger, Old Bear, Smelly, Bloody Nuisance, Pain in the Arse and so on. Indulge them. As long as your name is accompanied by “Breakfast”, “Dinner” or “Walk”, it doesn’t really matter. You know that your name is actually Mighty Brown Swimming-Claw, Scourge of the Lower Street Not Including the Last Lamp-Post, and there’s no chance that they’ll ever manage to remember that.

Let’s look at how to get them to understand you on a verbal level. There are times when they will seem as dumb as a sack of cats, but if you keep at it, some of them will eventually catch on. There are a few simple techniques which can help, as outlined below.

General Phrases

If you suffer a minor bruise or injury – Merely pointing out that you have a small cut will not be noticed. The answer is to shriek loudly at the top of your voice, as if your leg had come off. Rolling your eyes and limping dramatically will give impact to your point. Try to achieve a cross between an over-paid footballer and an opera singer.

If you see another dog off the leash while going for a walk – Bark loudly and pull on your own lead in sudden surges which unbalance your human. That will alert them to the fact that the other dog should be leashed up like you. Or that you should both be off.

If you see a cat, squirrel, rabbit, or lame buffalo that might be potential prey – Combine shrieking and barking to achieve an aesthetic affect which sets everyone’s teeth on edge. This will remind them that you are a proud hunting beast, and not a door-stop.

If a stranger comes into the house at night – Bark and then point at the fridge. If this is when the usual humans are out, it may be a burglar, but they’re not going to take anything of yours, so why get worked up about it? You’re not one of these common guard dogs, for goodness sake, you’re a lurcher. And there’s always the chance that they’ll look in the fridge themselves and leave the door open.

Commands

The more intelligent humans can be trained to respond to simple commands. Don’t overdo it, as they still have limitations. We suggest some useful starting points:

The short, single bark – Ideal to indicate that you want something right now, not tomorrow or when they’re ready, thank you. Make sure that the bark is abrupt and penetrating. Useful for walks, going outside and food. If ignored, wait until their attention drifts and then do it again suddenly without warning, preferably when they’re carrying something.

The repeated short bark – Used to point out that they ignored the single bark, and that it’s time they got their act together. This can also be used to get the attention of the human pack and say “Gather round, I have something to say to you all.”

The long, penetrating whine – Useful for indicating that you want more attention, your bottom rubbing or a more comfortable place on the sofa. Remember to keep it up for half an hour at least, and try to sound deeply sorrowful, even if all you want is an ear scratch. They will give in eventually.

The low growl – A simple command to go away because you do not intend to get off the bed, give them your bone etc. Self-explanatory. How would they like it if you took their steak dinner? Well, OK, you did, but that’s not the point. They’re not in charge, after all.

Bark and howl combination – Handy to point out that they’ve left you shut in the wrong room, or that it’s cold outside and you want to come in. Humans enjoy ghost stories, so make sure your howl evokes the suffering of the dead, the mournful fate of lost souls, etc.

Note: If you spot a set of headphones or earplugs around the house, this means that they are looking for ways to block out your commands. Chew these up immediately and leave the remains lying around to make your point. It may also be a good idea to chew up the TV remote, in case they try to ignore you that way.

Practice these phrases and commands regularly. Once disobedience sets in with humans, it can takes months of hard work to get them back under control again. If they are obedient, then reinforce this with small gestures, such as a wag, a lick or the occasional soulful look, but don’t overdo it. Any human who thinks he or she is boss in your home will soon become a bloody nuisance, and everyone will suffer as a result.

Be firm, be fair, and be a lurcher.

Lurchers for Beginners will return soon. In the meantime, we’ll be back in a couple of days with the usual weird and supernatural stuff. Treat yourself – come home to greydogtales…

You are a lurcher. This means you are a member of a proud and noble race. You can ignore those other dogs with their certificates and their so-called pedigrees. They could only afford one set of genes, and now their ears are wonky and fall off, or they need zimmer frames because of their inbred hip problems. You come from at least two lines of genetic goodness, carefully blended to make you the handsome, superior creature that you are today.

You are the elite, fast as a cheetah (whatever that is), and with the sleek lines that every other dog desires. You can leap tall buildings, outrun trains and curl up into shapes that even balloon animals can’t achieve. Your eyesight matches the resolution of the finest binoculars, and your long nose is a wonder in its own right. The rest of you is pretty cool as well, but let’s not sound too self-satisfied.

As a lurcher you have responsibilities, and one of those is training your human. It’s not easy, but if you want to get the best out of them and give them a good, rewarding life, it is essential. So here is Part One of the Lurchers for Beginners guide to the subject.

Introduction

Firstly, humans can be trained. Ignore what some of the other dogs say. Humans are moderately intelligent, and can be loyal, affectionate companions if treated properly. But we’re not saying it’s all fun and games. A badly trained human is disobedient, wilful and no use to anyone.

In this first article we’re going to look at some of the main problem areas you might need to consider:

1. Social and Interpersonal Skills

1.1 Some humans are solitary; some like to live in packs. If it makes them happy, let them. It’s hard to see what they get out of it sometimes, and they do snap at each other, though there’s usually no lasting harm. Experienced human-trainers say that there may even be some benefits, but do watch out for them paying more attention to each other than to you.

1.2 When you’re walking them, they meet other humans and then stand there for ages, making pointless noises to each other, even when you require attention. Once back from their walk, they stare at pictures on shiny boxes for hours until you physically get in the way and point out that you were calling them. Both behaviours show a lack of social skills and need addressing.

1.3 Do not rely on humans to guard your home. Some of them will let anyone in, and make little effort to sniff bottoms, check the stranger’s posture and obvious things like that. They have little idea of which species should and shouldn’t be in what is, after all, your home, not theirs.

1.4 Humans do have a basic language, although it isn’t suitable to convey the nuances that a lurcher might achieve. Be aware that your human(s) will not understand a lot of what you say to them, and try to make allowances. For example, a complex series of barks which make it clear there’s a squirrel ten point seven five metres up that third elm tree from the left, the tree is yours, and the human should go do something about it, will be lost on them. Keep it simple.

2. Behaviour in the Home

2.1 Humans steal food. It’s in their nature. On a regular basis they go into the cold box in the corner and take things you were planning to eat. If there’s a plate of something interesting on the table, they gobble down most of it themselves before you have a chance to get in there. Do not leave bones, sausages or other choice items unattended. You’re only asking for trouble.

2.2 They will go on the furniture, despite being told not to. This is particularly annoying. Some days it seems like everywhere you go, there’s a human lolling on the comfy chair, the sofa and so on. They take up a lot of space, and are quite stubborn about moving. A startled human can be quite hostile, so be careful.

2.3 They insist on sleeping on the bed with you. This is a habit which is very hard to break. You settle down for a good night’s doze, and then a human pushes and shoves their way in next to you, or grabs all the covers and makes moaning noises about something. Sometimes they get so territorial that they push you out altogether.

2.4 Humans are essentially lazy, and need exercising frequently. If you do not do this, they get fat and take up even more room when they manage to get on the sofa.

2.5 The one thing you can say in favour of humans at home is that they are toilet-trained. They choose one place in which to do their business, usually a small room upstairs, and stick to it. For some reason this room is full of tissue paper. We have no idea what that’s about.

3. Outside the Home

3.1 Let’s be clear about this one. Human recall is poor. There are times when you can bark or whine yourself hoarse before they come back to you and pay attention to the dead rat, fox droppings or mud-hole that you’ve found.

3.2 Humans are slow. It is possible to have some of the younger ones trained to run with you, but in general they will lag behind, make odd noises and wander off in the wrong direction. Remember that they are not able to cool down through use of their tongues, and will gradually end up soaked in their own sweat. Unpleasant but true.

3.3 Their eyesight is also poor. It only takes a bush or a small tree to be in the way before they have completely lost sight of you. Even if you are a mere mile or two away, they will have no idea where you are. At this point they will make strange yelping noises and shout a lot, apparently in distress.

3.4 They insist on investigating poo. And then they pick it up! What can we say? There seems no way to train most of them out of this. Instead of leaving poo where it is, to break down naturally or to leave an obvious signal for other dogs, humans collect the stuff like pack-rats and fill their pockets with it. There is no known explanation for such behaviour. It is unhygienic, but you may have to leave them to it.

In Conclusion

What can you, as a responsible lurcher, do about all of this? In Part Two, in a week or so, we will suggest some training tactics.

Remember, though, that no human is fully trainable. There will always be moments when they revert to their natural animal state and do something naughty.

Be patient; be kind. Try to take the long view, and look at the affection and companionship which a well-trained human can provide over many years. It’s worth it.

Next time on greydogtales: More Strangers Seas. Our nautical weird theme continues…